well, things are going better than humanly possible... if thats possible... its a little nervey because usually when things are to good to be true, they usually are... but i am going to have faith in this. im going to take joy out of everyday and i am going to make the best of it... so here i am to cram down your throat how happy i am... and not in a malicious way, just in the way that things are possible... i was spending countless hours on the computer looking for... i dunno... really... just looking for something to do and people to talk to... feeling like i knew everyone here and no one had anything to offer me... that nothing would change and that i had to make it... so i was comtemplating how to do that... and then when i least expect it something wildly fabulous happens to little ol me... and here i am... happy as a pig in shit. coveting the next time i get to talk to him but taking comfort in knowing that i will soon...taking comfort in how much love we already have... and have had hidden, and how much trust there is, and that nothing is going to break us. only we can do that. we are the only ones with the choice to do so and we choose one another. with each minute we spend we know so much more about one another, we notice the little things our friends do not... we can see the things that bring us close and hold us there...
he said to me last night around this time...
(driving to warwick... im in the passenger seat)
"i love your bottom lip"
"why? what makes you love my bottom lip?"
"i dunno, i just like the way it looks, and the way it tastes... and i want to taste it right now... but im on the road"
"yeah you are..."
me, laying next to him... playing with the tattoo on his right arm...
"i love these shoulders, connected to this back... these arms..."
or things like this...
me-"what would you want to name your kids?"
"i was going to ask you that in the car but you started to tell me a story"
"i like the names penellopi... and alabaster... and kai and phobe, and chloe... and cleo... and blake...how about you?"
"see... you like all new names, i like the old ones... like jack..."
"jack? that is old fashioned..."
"and charlie..."
"that is a good name, i like charlie"
things like that... there are so many moments... and i want to tell you all of them, but i like to hold them close... tight like wet clothes on skin... i like to stop and think about them and smile, and know that no one knows why im grinning.
and i thank you sean, again and again, for teaching me what it feels like to hurt someone so bad... so i will never do it... and thank you for the perfect timing... thank you for giving me a great winter and for shoveling my car out when there was 4 feet of snow on top of it and i had to go to work, thanks for crushing most of my self esteem causing me to try harder... to want to do better, thank you for listening to me whine and pep talking me... thank you for pushing me away so all of these new feeling have pleantly of room to go... so i could fill my life with who i have wanted for years.. thank you and i hope your just as happy as i am... thou i dunno if anyone could be... thank you
