so, i wasn't doing so hot today at all... i have been a bad dreamer lately. i can usually remember everything ... but i didn't really have to much of a problem with this last night. the only part that really matters is that i was having a dream ... and the phone rang. it was heidis boyfriend brian... he was asking me what time i could be ready for tomorrow, heidis 21st ... and he made fun of me because it was 1:30pm and i was still sleeping. then i decided it was to depressing to get up (i am writing this still in my head as if it is nov 10th.) matthew and i broke up 2 years ago to the day. and tomorrow (11th) heidis birthday and would have made 5 years for matt and i. so we broke up like 2 hours before our 3 year anniversary. big fiasco.... well, not being made aware during my slumber that today is that day and tomorrow is heidis birthday... i go back to sleep and dream about how the 11th is the gwar concert in providence ... and i also am offered the chance to go to england but i feel bad about going cuz its her b-day... but then all of a sudden, im in england calling heidi, explaining i wont be there and i wont be home for about a week ... we all (who i dun really know) go out for dinner. im sitting next to matt and i tell him how sorry i am about everything and that i want to marry him, we should have gotten married before and all this stuff ... he hugs me and kisses the side of my head like he always did and everything is ok between us... i am on cloud nine...i have what i need. and this all goes on and on, england blah blah blah and then i wake up ... its about 4pm and the sun is getting ready to set... i tell myself it is way past time to get out of bed... i finally do but i cant stop thinking about him. so i get up and decided to write to him. i wasn't going to. i write him and about him and he is never made aware of this. but i decide this time will be different. i write him a short letter something in the way of...
its been 2 years, i have written you and of you so many times. i woke up thinking about you and i had to get in touch with you.... i get to hear about you once in a while ... heidi saw you and got to hug you even... blah blah blah... ending with, i just need to know your ok... i just need to know your happy without me.... i miss you to no end...
well, there was a bit more but... i digress... i also put the letter with some pictures i got developed of when he and i took my nephew sledding ... he hadn't seen them. but im going to bet ... by now he has. i also grew some (small) balls. and no i didn't call him on his birthday like i promised myself i would, but i did go to his house on the was to cable car tonight and dropped the letter and pictures in his mail slot... i can only imagine what happens now ... if anything... i hope he gets back to me... a letter... a phone call... a visit at work ... anything. i dunno what the hell i am doing anymore...
