the idea of a familiar stranger ... it brings many thoughts to mind. i wrote of this in my traveling journal a few days ago ... my friend heidi and i were talking and she mentioned this... i am guessing for some it is a familiar term but i had never really thought about it. and when i wrote the other day (im way to lazy to go out to the car and get it...) i wrote about the idea of seeing a stranger, and thinking that you know this person from somewhere, sometime ... then i wrote about the feeling you get when you see someone or talk to someone you used to know so well and now you feel like you haven't got a thing in common with them and it is all awkward to talk to them ... but now i am thinking about it in another way... i think I am a familiar stranger... i dont know myself but there are a few little things about me that i seem to remember and seem to think i have known ... this brings me to another conclusion... i think i am losing it again. usually i get a little time off in between crazy spells but it has only been a few months. less i think... i dunno but this is all to FAMILIAR. its STRANGE.
i wish i knew what i was talking about so that i might clarify it for you a little better.... i just think that i am spiraling down down down and there is nothing that is ever going to stop me. for the rest of my life, this is how i am going to be ... with the asshole wanting the sweet and dedicated ... with the sweet wanting the pierced and outgoing...with that and wanting what i dont have and then getting it and changing my mind ... this wouldn't be so bad if it were underwear i was discriminating against... i want black lacy underwear...no...i want red silky underwear...nope....old lady comfy underwear ... nope...a nice purple thong ... but no. ... these are people i am doing this to. and i cant seem to stop it. i am not a creature of habit... i am a creature of coveting. i want what i dont have till i get it then its yesterdays news and i am ready to move on at any consequence.
crazy bitch. what a dumb whore i can be. i just dont want to do this to AND. he doesn't know anything about my last 2 relationships. he never asked... i think i should just sit him down and be like...look... im not the innocent person you think i am, i am shit stirrer and a bad bad girl. he doesn't deserve my mood swings or my lack of attention or my overabundance of attention. my smothering and then my absence. i manage to do this to everyone ... so, i think that i should just never be in a relationship again... i think i should hold my friends close but no one closer than the other... i'll go for a total communistic way of life ... no one gets called more than another ... no one is given more attention, better gifts, longer hugs, bigger smiles.... just all the same, a safe distance. im suck a fucking queen sometimes ... give me amnesia or erase the part of my brain that constantly makes me have bad judgment.... just pluck it out ... burn it on a rock and i will inhale the smoke from it so it will never happen again...
