today was a barrel of monkeys. im losing it again. why are the intervals in between so much shorter now? i was in this state of hopelessness a few short months ago and i thought that i had found my out and would have time to recuperate before the next big fall out. but here i am, in a slump, drowning in my own self pity again. feeling sorry for myself about my shitty job, not knowing what direction i want to go with relationship wise, not knowing what my future holds, what i will be doing in a few years. i got this job as a summer job in my senior year of high school. i was going to quite in august and i didnt. now, this is my third Xmas season there. i hate the mall, i hate the customers, i hate the hustle and bustle, i hate the decorations, and the music, i hate all of it. what am i going to do? i am such a freak. i had a falling out with my boss today, i was basically fighting for more money. i do make better money than a lot of people. (not a lot at all) but more than other people. i just found out my aunt got a job as a CNA and she makes 6.25 and hour. i make 8. that's more than my mom had ever made at any job. and i am thankful. but if i am working hard enough to run that place, if i know everything with my eyes closed ... why haven't i gotten a raise? i am working a 20 day stretch. why? to not even get a thank you. grrrrrrrr. i dont want to talk about this. these are the entries i scan thru ... but as i was just ranting above about Xmas season, i was thinking of some stuff i was thinking last time i was in crazy krissie mode and i remember some of it being ok... lemme see if i can find it.... maybe it will be more interesting...here we go...
11/17/00
i feel small when i am by the ocean but i sure feel big on this wall...i have a birds eye view and i am dying slowly with every breath that i take. "your only as loud as the noises you make". i am perched here and my face is singing a nightingales song.
and i ay not be the love of the nightingale, but i wish i could sing like i was. my body is slowly shifting and my thoughts are quick when drifting and i am laughing as loud as i can listen "cuz silence i violence in women and poor people if more people were screaming then maybe i could relax...." now where does that make sense? where do i fit in? and i am tired of not having my back to the wall when they are all windows and i cant relax in a city that wants to put people on their backs. and my legs are no tin the air, but my hair, oh my hair, constantly trying to take the next plane out of here. and i am waiting for you. (your the one the singer sings to) to grace me with your smile and grin, i lunge at the next moment, for me and you to be in. i have given up on the fly aways, i am concerned with the walk aways, cuz if you look back, it means your interested, and i just covet, the blue of attention. circling blocks, just to tell me to pull my hair out at the knots. i am a slowly engaged woman, and "dont think cuz im easy im naive" and you cant fit in there ... and im wondering ... can i?
kjp
11/18/00
...and the days just keep rolling past, like the fact that you can never stand in the same place in a river twice. i feel like i am rolling dice. instead of choosing my next strike. like things are just happening to me instead of my life happening. i am the picture of inconsistency, and i cant even tell where i begin and end. but every now and then, i get the feeling that things are right. that unfortunately i have to subject another night of meeting needs for the hands of greed and i am in everyone's way without the right words to say. i dont want to just get by. i am sick of sharing my part of the pie.
i take up space because i can. i like to observe the space your in, its true, i cant erase my past, but who told you that's the way i asked? you are the sum of the choices you make but ... what does that make you if the "choices" are not made by me?
i sound like an essay question and no one and give me the answer. this world only wants to share its cancer. put it in my hands and let me breathe it thru, breath it out of me and into you...
i wish you'd let me know the way its gonna be. dont just show me only cuz i want to see... i have to go retrace my steps, and pick up, what i fear i have left.
and i did write something on today 2 years ago but it is way to cheesy and i refuse to embarrass myself so badly.
11-20-00
i rattled your ear drums till you woke up and you were in the soundless sleep i so wished you were in. you only heard the sounds your own head gen-or-a-ted. what were they? what were they rated i wonder? x? pg-13? maybe nc-17. you deserve all the rest you can get. its at a point. a point i believe you made. the one that means you would be thinking of me, or at least someone else was...
i told myself to get up and out. i made you feel as if you had to get up and about. to grab away your R. E. M. to bring you away from them. to me. i guess once its 4:00 we'll see what the man has made you to be. to see there is no time for you, and even less for me. there is talk of talk going on and i am going off. waiting for your posture to jack up mine. asking the sun to not light up. or go down. floundering your face in the ground.
i am going off on getting into conversations trying to make things straight. no one says there is a good or bad reason for insults, i dont think i can consult your mouth, anymore.
you dont tell me what i need to hear and think that will keep you here. i am swimming in other peoples words and writing down what i thought i heard.
yeah, so that sucked too! im sorry im a fucking fruit loop and i dunno how i thought any of that was good before, yet another reason, to feel sorry for myself. sigh~~~~~~ sorry for wasting your time.
