i dont know why i am here again... i have to work in the morning and i am starting to think any and all efforts i make are fruitless.... anywhere. i am starting to doubt myself... about a lot of things. i was doing good for a while, then i fell into deep deep depression but i came out of that and i was soooooo happy (for a few days) and not i am drying up in everything i do... i havent been able to paint again. after i finished w's bottle i havent been able to do anything... i havent gotten to write and i have a feeling it may be a few more long long days before i get to. i just wish someone would talk to me... be there for me... not expect anything...or maybe expect... i dunno. it all depends where it is comming from. but right now i am starting to regret breaking things off with bri... we were so good. for a while. we were almost perfect. accept i only got to see him for about 2 days and he slept a total of about 24 hours of that time away (sometimes more sleep) and i got bored. i was restless.. i was alone. basically. felt that way. and when i ran away from him, let him down, pushed him away i expected things to be hard. so different after a year together but... we just made eachother miserable. and he always says "i am still here... i dont want anyone else... we can go on... we can still be together...""i dont want you to give it all up, leave your own life collecting dust, and i dont want you to feel sorry for me, you never gave us a chance to be, and now i need you to tell me the truth, you know id do that for you... SO WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY???"
i dunno. i am just left wondering why i did it... why i pushed him so far away, hurt him so bad, and what did i think there was for me. we were good together most of the time, and i am not saying that i dont think he was worth it, but the commute of 2 hours to do the same repetivite thing every weekend, the feel the same shit all the time, to never feel like there was going to be any change... i used to hate change, now i crave it. i run from repitition... i do, i flee and i dont look back for fear that i will stimble and the usual will catch up to me. in turn, i run from myself, him, everyone. i just wish i knew what to think.... when i start to feel like this i begin to regret.. to feel bad, to feel sorry, to feel like i should go back...
BUT WHY?
for him... or for me? what happens then.... i dont think that is the solution but...why do i feel this way. why am i soo alone. why do i have to sleep alone everynight? but who is there? we all run. away. to. from and with eachother... but, when do i get to feel loved again? when do the crappy and creepy dates end? is the light?
"everytime i try to hold my tongue, slips like a fish from the line, they say if your gonna learn how to play, you should learn how to play dumb, guess i cant bring my self to waste your time...
i hope i never improve this game, i would rather have these things weigh on my mind, cuz at the end of this tunnel of guilt and shame, there must be a light, of some kind..."
i dunno, i am rambling and i know when i see things like this i try to avoid them, or i fight thru them to make it to the end and then its in one ear out the other and i dont remember what was said cuz its all been said before... so forgive me, hold me, help me, heal me... please, i beg, for someone to write me, try to decipher what the hell it is i just wrote... let me know i am not alone, and i am not writing this for myself. cuz thou i get something out of this somewhere... i wanna know. no one tells me, no one reads, please... be the light at the end of my tunnel....
