i was talking about the notion that i am a brick layer...

that is my thing to do.

i have this hilarious way of completely wiping the slate of my life clean, forsaking everything and everybody, then tying to begin again...

most of the time the weak people around me fall away, they cant see me like this, the ones i dont include in the slate wiping...they are pretty much oblivious...but i have this person in my life now that wasnt here for the slate wipping last time and they dont know how to deal with it. they decided to treat me like a mental patient even thou they are way more unstable than i am.

8-14-02

"im building my brick wall again.

laying every stone so carefully

placing the grout

so well mixed

through

no air bubbles

making this the strongest wall to date

no one is really trying to break this one.

i dunno how to deal with that

i am not sure if i want them to

breaking me..."

my "friend" responded with

" but i see where you are

and how much you know

and i see you ~knowing~ what's going on with yourself

and i see you not doing a damn thing about it

you just let it continue...

there's something in you controlling you right now

you need to snatch that control back up

you've done it before

don't ride it out

you don't know where it may lead you

you're better off in control

one way or another

break down that fucking wall

stop piling on the bricks

you're a slave to yourself

and you know it

and only you can stop it

i dish out advice better than i take it

cuz i could say the same to myself

and don't think i don't know that "

does that not make me sound like i pulled some pathetic

"im gonna shoot myself in the face"

but i didnt

he pissed me off, saying that i never tell him how i feel.

that was a little excerpt from my journal. i wrote that to him to shut him up and show him how i was feeling and now i am seen like some schtizo.