i called to see if you wanted to be my angel in disguise

i interrupted you to see if you were to busy for me

you say you have 2 tests

that says you are to busy for me

i called to awake any feeling for me you may still harbor

beyond the bluffs

beyond the rocks we sit upon

beyond the pig tails and the rock faire i built for you

with rocks the color of you

you skin like quartz

wet and being overturned in the ocean that brings back memories

we cant make together anymore

i called to see you undress slowly

and consume the last embers we held

red hot between us

and the radio man says you cant hear me anymore

and you are listening to providence

you are listening to the static we create when our souls rub together

the scars on my hands are not from knives

they are not from scissors

or fierce licks from your tongue

they are from time

like rope burns

scoring my skin forever

reminding me that it was the time we kept together

that brought them here

i have not written of you in the longest

i have been afraid you wouldnt want to listen

but i see it's not that you dont want to

it's just that you never have time

is that any less harsh?

is that the nice way to let me down?

is that the nice way to tell me you dont care?

that i dont have a home anymore?

is that the way to tell me i have been evicted form your breast?

IS THAT THE NICE WAY TO LET ME DOWN?

big test

who says i have to sit like a lady

whose two tests turned into one big one..

i thought you were perfect

you were wednesday on sunday

why jazz? why now?

to remind me i am alone?

to remind me of who i am not?

to remind me that i cant even picture home?

that i hate christmas?

that i am partially christ/ mas

and that i am partially jazz and dislexic?

to remind me that i am shaking and it is no fun?

that you sucked my brain out, and it, is no fun?

the english translation is i am in love with you

really short attention spans dont even last an hour

so you are lying

your giving yourself a disease you dont even have

YOU SAY YOU NEED TO SCREAM BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA

you have no clue as to how much i need to throw my voice into the air

just so the air around me moves

talking about drying up in conversation

and you could write an entire book about it

you could be the one who drives people to have longer attention spans

so they can otherwise occupy themselves so we dont have to talk to you

i miss you

i guess that i should

threethousandfivehundredmilesaway

i miss you

i didnt know that i could

that's what you changed

i only feared that you would

or if you could

my mind isnt getting tired of watching you dance

i think i need a nice out of body experiance

i am long overdue

last one i had

was because of you

i am in a state of alienation

an entire state of alien...generation

crazy for secluding myself

i think i might just need to cry

to talk about us

to figure out where i stand if i can�t be told where to

i think my pen is almost as empty as my life

as empty as the echoes that jump from wall to wall when i scream

silently in my one last safe place

that i have to forfeit this weekend

i am spending the last of what i need to burn myself out

so i dont have to torture myself anymore

so i can pretend i have blue eyes instead of the artificial green they seem to have become

and my blonde has over thrown my red

and made me not the person i was

i think i need to revert

i need to relapse

i need to collapse

to get anywhere

i need you to hold me together

or up like the legs of chairs

to remind me that it gets dark fast

and the cold will never fade again

not even with forced air

to remind me that you havent finished what you have started

and neither have i

and no one joins me anymore

no one knows where

and i have become a walking aphrodisiac to myself

and even i cant spell it

you dont want to join me here because it would be a big test

to see how perfect you think you are

flip flopping in to thoughts of how perfect i convinced myself that you were

and that the sun has gone down on me

the sun that used to do 360 kick flips,

now bundles up tighter than me but has less to worry about

the road is waiting for me to call it home

and i am not so sure if i am better off alone

i hate sleeping by myself and you hate sleeping by myself

i have created so many addictions and my prediction...

is that i cant break them all

i think i need a new obsession cuz confession

gets you no where accept into trouble

i learned it the hard way

when you were wednesday on sunday

and i was here but oh so far away

perhaps in minnesota

while everyone else wondered what was going on

in my head

i denied to myself that the world was real

and you denied my words were real

maybe that was THE BIG TEST

and if it was you failed

i wish i had scaled instead of scars

and i wish everyone were in cable cars

and box cars on the way to a new home

and i fight to be beautiful everyday but seem to fail

i still wear this ring

to remind me of the circles we went in

i wear it cuz you put it on me

i compromise my breath so i can share the problem with death

ya know, the one that says "we have some hunderd years till they can build buildings on our only bones"

then the man can build a building over my 222 bones

build my grave into someone elses home

i cant speak the language that you can because i cant even steady my hand

and it has taken me hours to realize

I END WHERE I BEGAN

maybe i need to find myself a strong man

the way you can

be

you see

this wasnt for you

it was for me

everyone else is loving life and i am watching ice melt

i am watching ice form outside

and i am jealous that everyone else

is able to take a flight

accept for me

i am a fidget when my life is on the bound

when i am spinning and creating no sound

your only as loud as your noises

and i havent had to appologize

maybe that is the cause for my discomfort.

i am ready to make a caravan

to a far away minneapoland

i need to calm

i have a BIG TEST

and i am not about to fail again...

kjp 11-29-00 (for erin mcelroy)