ok. so i haven't been terribly fabulous with keeping up my journal. for someone with nothing to do i do to much to do nothing. but ... one exciting thing i have done in our time apart... i did a photo shoot for a calendar!!! so keep your eyes peeled in motor scooter shops across america for the 2003 calendar called "scooter kittens". im in there ... supposed to be the july kitten but we'll see. that was a lot of fun. i should really not be so cheap and i should get a gold membership so i can show you all these fun scooter posed pictures.im sick right now and in a bad mental state. i went out with heidi last night to see a show and we didn't stay because of her and then we drove around got food she kept me out till 5am dumped me off so she could take a nap before she had to be at work at 8am. IM SO SICK.
and im in a bad mental state because i cant stay focused on one thing. i cant be happy with what i have. im not here to whine im here to tell you i think im psychotic. i read my last entry and i was so weirded out. that was hilarious.
i want to start over again. i talked a while a go about how i like to wipe my slate every now and then, well, its turned into now.. and now ... and again...now...again...now... all the time. but i also have these preoccupation's that hold me back. or i try to maintain some sort of comfort level. whether or not for myself, for someone i care about and that makes one of us miserable.
and guess what
THAT'S WHERE IM AT RIGHT NOW!
i dont want what i have, i dont know what i do want and what i think i know i do want i cant have.
but, grrr roar...all that happy horse shit. i want something to do. i want something fun. i really enjoyed the photo shoots. quick clothes changes in tight places. freezing until i am in the light. light like a candle. creating. moving. feeling. acting without talking. creating thoughts, making ideas with my figure. and maybe that isn't appealing to you. and i dont think i am beautiful. but i think i am unique. i think i provoke ideas. i think i could even inspire once in a while.
i was taking to a few friends last night and one asked..."if you were told you had 6 hours to live...to the minute ... what would you do?"
we all answered hastily..."id kill everyone i hate." "i would tell people off" "i would sleep with as many people as i could" "i would go say bye to as many people as i could" and then we all calmed down and we tried to think about it. tried to outdo each other. i think i finally came up with i would go to newport. i would park on the beach and i would write my ass off. i would write letters and try at an autobiography. i would bring all of my journals and i would ask them to be published. another person scornfully looked at me and said... "id burn my journal" and the asker of the question and i went head to head as to why i picked that. i said i want fame, i want to be remembered. i want someone to know who i was. no one agreed with me. but fuck you guys, these are my last 6 hours not yours. i would want everything revealed. so everyone knew what i thought about them. and myself. and things around me. EVERYTHING. and i think that's why i love the calendar so much. it will give me immortality in a sense. i want to be remembered. even as miss July kitten. that's fine with me. then we went on to talking about the ideas of possible worlds.. what's possibly necessary, necessarily possible, possibly possible or necessarily necessary then the question "why do we wish" came up. and what do you wish for. one asked another and another said looking me in the face (thou i did not ask) "i dont with for anything anymore." so, it was another thing directed at me and how horrible i am. oh the terrible person i must be for thinking of you and comming to get you at 2 in the morning instead of you walking in the rain. how horrible that i thought you might have fun with me. im an asshole.
