(9-21-02)i had a dream about you last night...AND ... you were wearing your baseball cap. you had on a mustard yellow button up. (almost the color of the one you have on tonight) i wanted to tell you. i would have if the timing was right. timing IS everything after all...... but in the dream we were standing side by side. someone said..."its time" and i grabbed onto you ... like a child grabs onto mom or dads leg. i held you. took in the way you smelled. i could SMELL in my dream. you smelled like laundry...warm and fresh from the dryer. i remember the texture of your shirt. i felt your skin against it. inside of it...
"i wonder what you look like when your not wearing words."
you held back ... tight...happy.
would you allow this? i dunno if i can give you this...or tell you of my dream.... or my DREAM. i so wish i could. but your so very close. your so far away. here comes the exodus from waterfire. happy couples. old people. old happy couples. young children staying out past bed time. young people photographing and here i am. coveting. feeling bad. feeling good. a bit sick still. in my head and out.
usually i love to people watch. but i feel it is me being watched. under a close eye. a fish eye lens...9:30 pm...
"hold me down / i am floating away / into the over cast skys..."
cast with humidity. i have to suck this up. not to many left. and i usually listen to other peoples conversations ... but the people next to me...they are leaving now for one ... and i dont speak japanese???? chinese???? (i cant tell)
so much sorrow here in my little heart. why? why am i built this way? i want to tell you my dream ... would you laugh? scoff? hide? run? open your arms? would you ask why? what would i do if you come out for a cigarette? would i call out for you? would i tell you this dream? and that? would you hold me like you did last night? its not you. i cant help this. i dont know if i want to. i am jealous and shy. hopeful and lost.
why cant you come out? where are you hiding? i bet thats it. you are. you asked to stay in. cuz of me...
you came..... you came 9:50pm... you came and i chickened out. i lost it. i had them so close. the words, they were fighting behind my lips. they wanted to jump out and tell you. you talked to me. i cant believe i chickened out. i can only hope the people that came and sat next to me ordered a sandwich so you'll come out again. sounds cheesy but i do. that would rock. i want you to be my company. really. i wish i had it in me to tell you that.
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10:15 pm
i wrote it out for you. you told me i looked lonely. if you only knew. you are a light to live by. "you are a pool of clear water...where the light plays..." i want you so bad. to hold and to have for all my days. keep by my side. with me. i want you to feel the same... (do you???) but i sound like i am some love sick naive girl and maybe i am... i hope so. it feels good.
what is it about PROVIDENCE?
what is it about CABLE CAR?
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i did it... i talked to you. AND ... my favorite boy. i dunno if you realize why i caught you. i ran to you. i want to be your damsel i am distressed... a little less...now. i cant believe i grew the nerve. somewhere in me.... i loved it. that was the most i have smiled in a long time. REALLY. well, smiled and meant it. felt it. like i felt the fabric of your shirt in my dream. i wish i could have said more. i wish i told you ... of this crush...
(so he came out to go have a cigarette and all the tables were full so he crossed the street and went to sit on a wall... i saw him and i was mad at myself for not already telling him. so i mustered up the balls, i grabbed all my stuff, 2 bags, a sweater, and my hot chocolate ... that he made.... and i ran across south main street. and i said... "can i have a cigarette with you???" and i was welcomed. we talked.. earlier when he came to bring a sandwich out he said, you look lonely ... and i said, yeah, i usually am and he said i mean you usually have someone with you and i said, i didnt want company, i wanted to write.... STUPID STUPID STUPID! so he tipped his hat and went in ... but i followed him and he said i would have sat with you but you said you didnt want company... i wish i could have said something cheesy like ... no one but you ... but i couldnt. after a few seconds i just blurted out.... I HAD A DREAM ABOUT YOU ... he asked what he was doing.. i froze..."standing there, just standing there" fuckin moron!!!!!!!!!! tell him!!!!! spit it out!!!!!! maybe he would have said something to give you a hint as to whether or not he feels the same! moron. but, he did say "we should take cigarette breaks together more often...well, i guess their not breaks for you, your here for fun..." sigh......if you only knew the underlying reasons i was here you sexy thang...)
