so i just stared something ingenious and i decided in the middle of it, my text box was to small and i tried to change it and save my writing but my computer crashed in the middle of it all....grrrrrrrrri was talking about the notion that i am a brick layer...
that is my thing to do.
i have this hilarious way of completely wiping the slate of my life clean, forsaking everything and everybody, then tying to begin again...
most of the time the weak people around me fall away, they cant see me like this, the ones i dont include in the slate wiping...they are pretty much oblivious...but i have this person in my life now that wasnt here for the slate wipping last time and they dont know how to deal with it. they decided to treat me like a mental patient even thou they are way more unstable than i am.
8-14-02
"im building my brick wall again.
laying every stone so carefully
placing the grout
so well mixed
through
no air bubbles
making this the strongest wall to date
no one is really trying to break this one.
i dunno how to deal with that
i am not sure if i want them to
breaking me..."
my "friend" responded with
" but i see where you are
and how much you know
and i see you ~knowing~ what's going on with yourself
and i see you not doing a damn thing about it
you just let it continue...
there's something in you controlling you right now
you need to snatch that control back up
you've done it before
don't ride it out
you don't know where it may lead you
you're better off in control
one way or another
break down that fucking wall
stop piling on the bricks
you're a slave to yourself
and you know it
and only you can stop it
i dish out advice better than i take it
cuz i could say the same to myself
and don't think i don't know that "
does that not make me sound like i pulled some pathetic
"im gonna shoot myself in the face"
but i didnt
he pissed me off, saying that i never tell him how i feel.
that was a little excerpt from my journal. i wrote that to him to shut him up and show him how i was feeling and now i am seen like some schtizo.
my sister is freaking out. i think i have to go. if its not one human ... its another...