i called to see if you still love mei called to see if you wanted to be my angel in disguise
i interrupted you to see if you were to busy for me
you say you have 2 tests
that says you are to busy for me
i called to awake any feeling for me you may still harbor
beyond the bluffs
beyond the rocks we sit upon
beyond the pig tails and the rock faire i built for you
with rocks the color of you
you skin like quartz
wet and being overturned in the ocean that brings back memories
we cant make together anymore
i called to see you undress slowly
and consume the last embers we held
red hot between us
and the radio man says you cant hear me anymore
and you are listening to providence
you are listening to the static we create when our souls rub together
the scars on my hands are not from knives
they are not from scissors
or fierce licks from your tongue
they are from time
like rope burns
scoring my skin forever
reminding me that it was the time we kept together
that brought them here
i have not written of you in the longest
i have been afraid you wouldnt want to listen
but i see it's not that you dont want to
it's just that you never have time
is that any less harsh?
is that the nice way to let me down?
is that the nice way to tell me you dont care?
that i dont have a home anymore?
is that the way to tell me i have been evicted form your breast?
IS THAT THE NICE WAY TO LET ME DOWN?
big test
who says i have to sit like a lady
whose two tests turned into one big one..
i thought you were perfect
you were wednesday on sunday
why jazz? why now?
to remind me i am alone?
to remind me of who i am not?
to remind me that i cant even picture home?
that i hate christmas?
that i am partially christ/ mas
and that i am partially jazz and dislexic?
to remind me that i am shaking and it is no fun?
that you sucked my brain out, and it, is no fun?
the english translation is i am in love with you
really short attention spans dont even last an hour
so you are lying
your giving yourself a disease you dont even have
YOU SAY YOU NEED TO SCREAM BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA
you have no clue as to how much i need to throw my voice into the air
just so the air around me moves
talking about drying up in conversation
and you could write an entire book about it
you could be the one who drives people to have longer attention spans
so they can otherwise occupy themselves so we dont have to talk to you
i miss you
i guess that i should
threethousandfivehundredmilesaway
i miss you
i didnt know that i could
that's what you changed
i only feared that you would
or if you could
my mind isnt getting tired of watching you dance
i think i need a nice out of body experiance
i am long overdue
last one i had
was because of you
i am in a state of alienation
an entire state of alien...generation
crazy for secluding myself
i think i might just need to cry
to talk about us
to figure out where i stand if i can�t be told where to
i think my pen is almost as empty as my life
as empty as the echoes that jump from wall to wall when i scream
silently in my one last safe place
that i have to forfeit this weekend
i am spending the last of what i need to burn myself out
so i dont have to torture myself anymore
so i can pretend i have blue eyes instead of the artificial green they seem to have become
and my blonde has over thrown my red
and made me not the person i was
i think i need to revert
i need to relapse
i need to collapse
to get anywhere
i need you to hold me together
or up like the legs of chairs
to remind me that it gets dark fast
and the cold will never fade again
not even with forced air
to remind me that you havent finished what you have started
and neither have i
and no one joins me anymore
no one knows where
and i have become a walking aphrodisiac to myself
and even i cant spell it
you dont want to join me here because it would be a big test
to see how perfect you think you are
flip flopping in to thoughts of how perfect i convinced myself that you were
and that the sun has gone down on me
the sun that used to do 360 kick flips,
now bundles up tighter than me but has less to worry about
the road is waiting for me to call it home
and i am not so sure if i am better off alone
i hate sleeping by myself and you hate sleeping by myself
i have created so many addictions and my prediction...
is that i cant break them all
i think i need a new obsession cuz confession
gets you no where accept into trouble
i learned it the hard way
when you were wednesday on sunday
and i was here but oh so far away
perhaps in minnesota
while everyone else wondered what was going on
in my head
i denied to myself that the world was real
and you denied my words were real
maybe that was THE BIG TEST
and if it was you failed
i wish i had scaled instead of scars
and i wish everyone were in cable cars
and box cars on the way to a new home
and i fight to be beautiful everyday but seem to fail
i still wear this ring
to remind me of the circles we went in
i wear it cuz you put it on me
i compromise my breath so i can share the problem with death
ya know, the one that says "we have some hunderd years till they can build buildings on our only bones"
then the man can build a building over my 222 bones
build my grave into someone elses home
i cant speak the language that you can because i cant even steady my hand
and it has taken me hours to realize
I END WHERE I BEGAN
maybe i need to find myself a strong man
the way you can
be
you see
this wasnt for you
it was for me
everyone else is loving life and i am watching ice melt
i am watching ice form outside
and i am jealous that everyone else
is able to take a flight
accept for me
i am a fidget when my life is on the bound
when i am spinning and creating no sound
your only as loud as your noises
and i havent had to appologize
maybe that is the cause for my discomfort.
i am ready to make a caravan
to a far away minneapoland
i need to calm
i have a BIG TEST
and i am not about to fail again...
kjp 11-29-00 (for erin mcelroy)