i had to sleep alone for the first time last night. no warm body against mine. no face on warm skin. pushing off the blankets cuz the body heat and the gas turned up to 70 is enough... nope... no teddy bear blankie on the floor and my cell phone sleeping next to his... no tugging on clothes and running my fingers thru his hair. or dodging the new camera and then catching him with my own. no pizza queen delivery. not wafer cookies and ice cream while watching him play gauntlet. nope... none of that...

so i talked to him on the computer till i was almost tired and definitly tired of thinking and i gave the thought that i have to clean off my bed... left unused for over a month. i was hoping i was wrong... but i wasnt.

so i did. i cleaned it off, and i regretably crawled into it. comforted only by jonis, my jaguar stuffy brian gave me for valentines day last year... and we tried to sleep. we tossed, flipped, thought, flipped again, looed out the window, looked at the phone, wanted to get up and go, wanted a phone call, wanted someone to want me. that was only the first 20 minutes...

i crawled into bed alone at 10:30... i fell asleep alone around 2 (finally).

i woke up alone to 2 alarms...

i woke up and my sence of smell was so keen. all i could smell was the stagnent of cigarettes. usually this makes me want one. nope. not this time. i have fallen so hard for you and tried so hard for you and given up so much for you and you kick me out. why shold i quit smoking for you? your not going to be there when you leave. but my addiction will be. but your changing me. your the only one i have let. i dont believe it. your changing me for the best but you dont see it. your getting under my skin and i want you to burrow further. i would have never guessed this. but i woke up, smelled smoke, and thought... i never smell this at seans... thats nice. wait, why am i here? sigh~ then i got up and worked all day.