here is your confused girl again ... wandering in circles wondering what the hell i am thinking. i wish i knew. all i do know is, that i cant stop thinking ... about ... nothing. hoping, wanting...nothing. i guess i am being vague but i am never quite sure who has this... i mention it in conversation and then i wonder if those parties who say "online diary? you have an online diary???" i wonder if those people find it. if your one of those people then i guess i shouldn't be afraid of what i say. you weren't invited here if i didn't give you my name. if i did, then i expect you to know. pop in everyone in a while to read ... this ... this is my life. paranoia wondering. heres the deal. i think i am making a mistake with AND. he is one of the people i am talking about my be trying to track this down. the only thing i can think of to keep people from finding this is to erase everything in my profile. that is really the only way i can be tracked down... grrrrrrrr...... shut up. this isn't fun to read, this isn't enlightening or profound. this isn't light hearted or attention grabbing.
ok, calming down. im going out tomorrow night. im GLAD im going out tomorrow night. i dunno what it means, where im going, anything like that. i just know i am doing something different. i know that i am the most indecisive person, the person who runs in circles the most. the person who has come to be the scavenger that i am. i dont consider myself a social climber. i only want to surround myself with good people. creative people. motivated people. the people i admire. and i think i do an ok job of it. i think i am getting along. when i stop and think, i am not doing anything with my life. living in this city, this state, this state of mind, this hold i have dug. everything. but i change my mind so fast. here is the paranoid schizophrenic here is the person you dont want to allow yourself to get close to. here is the person i have become and yet i am still spiraling out and down. i live in the past but i change it so fast that i cant remember certain details. "you hate mushrooms dont you???...oh...i thought you did...tomatoes?...not that either ... but you really like steak right? oh, your a vegetarian? since when? but we went out for burgers....not you huh... OOPS..."
those things... i am going out tomorrow and i hope i can remember the right information... (of which i know almost nothing...) all i know is that i am so confused, so torn, so crazy. so screwed and such a bitch. i apologize for this whole entry. i cant believe you made it this far. thank you.
