10/7/02

it isn't as cold as i anticipated but i guess now im prepared for what ever else might come. i try to be prepared. i guess this is over prepared. maybe...

i am prepared in layers. in clothing and fur. scarfs and skirts. but not in sleep. no mental prep here. no sleep reserves in my head. behind my eyes. i didn't make it until late but i made it with time to spare. flying with passing colors.... no ... passing with flying colors...i think i like the first way better. i feel fulfilled. i have gotten what i coveted for so long. i am luckier than most. and in not sorry if i stole him. i would have done anything but i didn't have to, he came to me.

and he is always flying in these colors. creating his own. melding and morphing.

"wait one sec...look at that. i love when the clouds look like that"

im sorry i brought you nightmares again.

"the nightmares came today. looks like their here to stay."

(so, a bit of and interruption in this entry.... i dunno if this is going to sound crazy to anyone -everyone- but, AND told me about this dream he had a few days before this entry... a dream of this overwhelming evil and when he tried to wake up he was stricken with sleep paralysis ... now... i asked him, before i said anything...if this had ever happened to him before. he said no no way and he was a little freaked just telling me about this ... and i did an awkward laugh and gave him the "this may sound crazy" disclaimer and i told him that my first boyfriend (matt) had stared having sleep paralysis a few weeks after we started dating ... and it continued for out whole relationship and when i started dating brian he came to me with the same phenomena without me ever having said anything about matts. now andrew and i have been seeing each other a lot and then this happens to him. none of then had experienced this before me ... what can it mean??? please respond with an explanation or insight... i would really appreciate it.)

you are true inspiration. pure and well

intoxicating memories.

i am a flood of thoughts over growing my boundaries.

"ive been looking so long at these pictures of you, that i almost believer they are real. i've been looking so long at these pictures of you, that the pictures are all i can feel. these pictures of you"