as those of you may already know... today was the start date and believe it or not... end date of my favorite releationship... 3 years to the day... and it seems... it will never be able to get over being a flippin retard and ruining it...

i love everything that had happened in my life in between, resulting from that and also knowing that had things not gone the way they did when they did, i would be a different person, in a different place and nothing i know right now would exist... so... as much as i rue my shattered relationship... i give thanks for where my life has gone because events unfolded the way they have...

moving on...

i've been living with the D for 2 months now and it seems we are both a little... stubborn...

there is a tug-of-war constantly going on. i expected this... i didnt think it would turn out to be a tug-of-war in real forces... where the 225lb man is tugging against the 117lb woman...

in other words... i'm losing.

it was all fine and good at first... the honeymoon as one of my regulars calls it... we would both rush home after work to go to bed at the same time... we would make plans for dinner and drinks before he even left for work... we would hang out... we could at least be in the smae room... i could not nag at him and he wouldnt push me away.

its hard... we both know that.
we both knew it getting into this...

but it sucks worse than i could have expected...
when people ask me how its going and i tell them that its really hard and were having the space issues they always look really concerned and say "well... you guys have to give eachother space... you cont be around eachother all the time..." but the thing is...

we arent.
its rare that i get to hang out with him at all... and i mean RARE. i was elated that my own boyfriend wanted to get dinner with me on sunday... not only dinner... but he wanted to go out after... and he let me pick... and he didnt want to go home early... and when we did get home... I GOT LAID.

it was like a normal relationship... it was like it was before. i couldnt stop saying what a great day i had. monday morning (even after drinking for 12 hours straight...) i was bright eyed and bushy tailed. i had a great sunday...

but then it was back to the norm...

whats the norm?

its that i know he gets done with work at 2am during the week... but somehow no longer makes it home until after 3:30am... on the weekends... forget it... i havent seen him come in before sunrise in a month and a half. SPITE.

he knows it bothers me... he knows i hate it... and i cant help but be bitchy and short with him (you did just wake me up and no matter what time you do that... i hate you for 15 minutes) and if i try not to be bitchy and short... i cry at him... and if i dont do that... i have to resort to pretending to still be asleep... it sucks...

but... time... give it time...

on the job front... im rubbing nickles together to try to make a quarter... to go with all of my other quarters that were meant to be my tattoo fund which... i now have to forefit for rent, bills and food... it kills me...

i wanted to use it for what i have wanted for so long... or use it to take a trip... or toward my u-haul money... but... alas... i must roll it and bring it to the bank and send it to cingu1ar, and RInsurance for my car...

its getting so hard. i'm not sure how much more patient i can be seeing this staying out bullshit is getting to be later and now... not just on friday and saturday...

but yes... we were talking about work werent we...

so... because the club isnt making me any money at all... i have decided to get a second job... thou... this may be the straw that breaks the krissies back... i got a job...

at the mall...

but not scooping ice cream this time... nope... this time its at newbury/comics. i am pretty sure i am walking into a supervisior position but... its in the mall... which is litterally a 5 minute walk from my house so i dont have to worry about parking and whatnot.

i just cant believe i did it... i havent started yet. i havent even filled out an application. but this guy has been wanting me to work there since my B&J days... no matter when he was there... what time... for work or leisure... i was there... working my ass off... so...
he keeps telling emm that he wants me there... and... sure... i could look for another job somewhere that WONT make me want to slit my wrists... but... then what would i have to bitch about?

so... im going for it... besides... its nice to be wanted by someone you dont know. lord knows no one around this house wants me...

i digress... i think there was something else i meant to touch on but... i am so super hungry... and i just spent my last $100 on groceries... so... i'm going to put them to good use... IN MY BELLY