now that prissy pants has probably hurt a few people that she didnt want to... she has come to the conclusion that she doesnt have to stop writing. she doesnt have to censor herself at all. that it should be known this is the place for her to vent and get feelings written down and turn them into memeories instead of dwelling on them. for her to say the things that she needs to say. she has come to face the fact that sometimes feelings get hurt. that sometimes people do it to us and we do it to others.
im sitting here sick to my stomach with the worst taste in my mouth feeling like im going to vomit. and i dont know why. i woke up with this taste in my mouth and it wont go away. no matter how many times i brush my teeth, how much water i drink, what food i eat... nothing helps.
my stomach is a undulating mess and i am still pretty sick. i am not looking forward to going to work tonight and i have to go feed cats before i do that and i have to go to the store and all that happy bullshit too...
and why does it always have to snow when i have shit to do. my car is running like hell and it is just a sled in the snow anyway... so im expecting one hectic ride to run errands and get to work.
ah i feel like hell.
about a lot of things.
things ive done
things ive said
things ive thought
everything.
i cant do this anymore.
i cant take new england
i cant take this depressing time of year
this cold
this self loathing
any of it.
i cant stand being a different person.
i cant stand my self right now.
i wish i could just get in the car and go for a ride and have all the windows down... and let the sunlight pour all over my body... and wash me of everything. but when i look out all i get is gloomy dark sky and the impending dump of more flakes.
i am hating the world.
and its all my own fault.
and ill apologize again and again for the things i do... and the things i say. and ill be thankful for the attention and love that i get. and the compassion i am shown. and i will thank the world that i am loved. and cared for. and wanted.
and i will thank my brother... living oh so far away... for making me stick my foot in my mouth just by supporting me. and being uber sweet to a no one from RI.
and i would go back and take out that last entry. i would lock it up and forget about it. i would try and pretend it never existed. i would do what i could to erase it... but you know what... thats how i felt when i wrote it. and i was just being honest.
