no... let me rephrase that...
i hate writing here.
i hate hearing about it at the bar.
i hate talking about it.
i hate that this is no longer my sanctuary.
i hate that i ever mentioned this to anyone.

i cringe when i think about this becoming a place where people i know... and used to know... come... will come... have been comming.
i hate censoring myself.
i hate being fake.
i hate being asked questions.
i think i might have to stop.

i hate finding out some one else i know might be reading this and that i may have said something in the past that could be taken to offense.
i hate the thought of locking this whole thing up and being picky with my password.

i did not start this to have something new to talk to people about.
i did not start this to talk like i talk to the people i know.
i did not start this for other peoples amusement.
i did not start this to keep my friends and family informed on my life.
i did not ever intend this to become so important to me.

but like i said... i never expected anyone i know to see this. so... im contemplating my next move.
what do i do with 70,000 banner views when all it does is lead curious strangers to something they cant get a piece of... how discouraging.

im wishing i could go back...
which i do a lot.
im wishing it was that night on messenger street when i was telling people about something funny i read

i wish i had said i read it in a book...
or that someone had told me the story...
or that it was anywhere but diaryland.

i dont like any of this anymore.

maybe because im sick.
and whiny
and upset
and annoyed
and tired
and hurt
and sad.

but i dont like it...
i dont like the idea of ceasing to write but i am also not opposed to it.
its to late now thou...
there is NOTHING sacred.

and i know youll find this offensive.
that your probably sitting there with your mouth a gaping hole.
im not writing this to hurt anyone.

im writing it because its the truth.
and this place is here for me to tell the truth.
what the fuck am i supposed to do now?