2005-02-11����6:12 p.m. eternal sunshine of an emotional mind
(an excerpt from my traveling journal that i wrote last night when i got home around 3 am)
now, to try and write what i have been itching to.
this is my first entry in 10 months and 2 days. in THIS journal anyway.
(this is my first entry in 2 years)
i watched "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind" w/ wendy tonight as joe busied himself on the computer.
NO. lets start from the beginning of the day.
i woke up at 11 am which is early for a girl that closes her eyes to sleep at 4am and wakes up all night grinding her teeth. but i prefer noon at best. i got up easily thinking about the day and trying to break myself of the funk im in... the first thing i did was get online to see if i had any new fans of my photos or journal or a friend to talk to... i had some of each but nothing that helped me.
i talked in brief bursts to 2 different people...NONE of which helped.
i made plans with boots for a movie to make up for the plans he broke last night. i didnt at first believe i would see him but i had to give him the benefit of a doubt. we made plans and i screwed around on the computer doing not much of anything. i was talking to a boy... "louie"... a new friend from mass who likes my photos and that i return the... i dont know what to call it... its late... the... feeling? the feeling is mutual? eh... i know him because we admire one anothers photos on flickr.
he asked me what i was planning for the day... if i had to work or what not. i told him "maybe going with shithead to make up for the blow off last night or going to my friends house to eat yummy food and watch "eternal". he replied he cant watch it since his last break up. its emotional.
i told him if thats what i did that i wouldnt wear make up to avoid the alice cooper look. "that never did much for anyone" he replied... "not even alice"
but boots kept his word even thou it was raining... sleeting AND snowing. (i thought for sure that i should have just stayed in my p.js. i thought another cancellation was a sure thing)
but he said he would be here at quarter past and at 6:18 pm there were head lights in my driveway. i got my coat on and got in the car. we were together. and by 6:20 we were on the highway on the way to the cable car. he broke the silence, looking at the clock he said
"i guess i could have picked you up later."
"GEEZE. when you said catch a movie you meant it. a movie and nothing else. maybe i should have met you there too."
"no no... you know what i mean."
"(scoffing and mocking) it IS a cafe too. we can get a drink and talk ... but i guess your not into that sort of thing" (i half meant it)
we watch the movie and i nuzzle him. the movie ends and i suggest standing outside and having a cigarette. we barely talk... a little chat about how early he gets up and his morning commute... im only half done with my cigarette when he says
"you can smoke in my car you know"
"wow... you ARE in a hurry to dump me off huh?"
"no... no... its just cold"
i snuff my butt and throw it away. we leave and im in my house by 9:30pm. 3 hours... 2.5 of it spent in silence minus "what did he say?" and "sorry... i gotta go pee"
i came home and i wrote this... holding back the urge to call the w&j house hold.
----------------------------------------------------- 21005 i dont know why this hurts. everything should feel good. i should love my life like i did 2 months ago. AND I DO. i will never not love my life. but what it this overwhelming feeling that i need to cry all the time? what is this death sentence feeling? why should i dread waking up? how can i when i dont sleep at night? ----------------------------------------------------------------
i didnt fight it very hard and i took up my everlasting invite.
i watched "eternal sunshine of a spotless mind" w/ wendy tonight as joe busied himself on the computer.
i should have realized i wasnt going to make it thru without crying... after all... i was warned. it was all the little things really... i wont ruin the movie if you havent seen it. (GO RENT IT OR BUY IT RIGHT NOW)
everything was some part of me. some part of my life someone in my life someone i USED to know.
i tried not to i tried to fight it (after all... with the "date" i had my black make up on.)
THAT WAS MY LIFE AS I SEE IT
as i was leaving i thanked wendy and bid her sweet dreams and left on... "thanks for letting me cry and no making fun of me...."
"id never make fun of you"
"im going to cry some more."
I got down to my iced over car and before i even tried to put the key in i knew it was going to be a battle. i was right. but i won. i managed to get the ice in my lock to give before my fingers broke trying to turn the key. i used my frozen digits to turn the ignition and start the car.
just as i do... i hear this...
"she never mentions the word addiction in certain company yeah shell tell you shes an orphan after you meet her family
she paints her eyes as black as night now she pulls those shades down tight..."
and so it began. i remained calm thou that song has always been so much to me and the "painting her eyes as black as night" thing BEING me. the car is showing signs of warming and the read window is almost done defrosting when it begins...
"theres a lady whos sure all that glitters is gold and shes buying a stairway to heaven when she gets there she knows if the stores are all closed with a word she can get what she came for ooh, ooh, and she buying a stairway to heaven"
now... this is a song that i can remember knowing my whole life. a song im sure no one will forget. WE ALL remember certain times when we hear those first few notes... ill tell you my 3 big ones...
#1- THE ROSES IN THE SNOW DANCE. i think i was 15... maybe 16. i wad invited to this dance at moses brown school here in town. i adored this boy that asked me and we are terrific friends even to this day... he had a girlfriend and was busy dancing with her all night long. we had a friend JON that was at the dance too... within the first 8 tones i was on the dance floor. JON had grabbed me and pulled me up when he heard it. i spent the whole song leaning against his chest and LISTENING to the words. this was not the first time i heard it. it was the first time i fell in love with it.
#2 DALLAS/ FORTH WORTH TEXAS
i was in the car with nathan when i went to visit this past november. we were off on some adventure in his car and i was snapping pictures and i flipped the camera to video and caught him singing...
"theres a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure cause you know sometimes words have two meanings. in a tree by the brook theres a song bird who sings sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven. ooh it makes me wonder ooh it makes me wonder."
i got caught taping him and he wouldnt sing for me anymore but the bit i have on video i watch often.
#3 TONIGHT
"theres a feeling i get when i look to the west and my spirit is crying for leaving"
i lost it. it was the kind of crying that makes your throat hurt immediately.
THERES A FEELING I GET WHEN I LOOK TO THE WEST AND MY SPIRIT IS CRYING FOR LEAVING
WEST= WHERE I WANT TO LIVE WEST= TEXAS TEXAS= NATHAN NATHAN= LOVE
CRYING FOR LEAVING i want to leave here CRYING FOR LEAVING why did i leave the west?
you get me...
right after that i used my one gloved hand to wipe my eyes so i could see the road again. the newly released JET song comes on...
that enough to make me cry without everything else thats gone on tonight and all the feeling ive been dealing with lately.
"oh look what you've done youve made a fool of everyone oh well, it looks like such fun until you lose what you had won"
been there done that thank g-d wendy and joe only live 3 songs away otherwise i might still be in the car now a blubbering mess if another mood fitting song came to follow that barrage.
sometimes i hate what i put into, and take out of movies and songs. i hate how i make everything relate to me and my life and how i feel. then again
WHO WOULD I BE IF I DIDNT? ----------------------------------
and if your really into it... there is an amusing entry before this one...
