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2005-02-11����6:11 p.m.
what i was thinking almost a year ago...

ok... i have a lot of writing to do today... so stay tuned for the big one... but to hold you over for now...
and entry i found in a traveling journal last night... seeing Jayson has been very important here lately ill put it up... i dont remember writing it... but man was it awesome to read it last night!

----------------------------------------
2/29/04

again... isnt it 3 strikes and your out?
why have i allowed myself this many?
i can read your face now. a face i know so well. i can read the questions in your mind and i know you got defensive because i was right.
and im not stupid.
and im sorry that im not old enough for you... no... wait... im not sorry.

i am not apologizing anymore. i didnt do anything. i have done nothing but love you well and i get the shit end of the stick every time.
i feel like such a fuck up and ill tell you why. im like a... well... lets do this as it is...

i am a child to you. (and yes... that has a double meaning right now) you see me as a child... and lets think of it that way. i am a child and you are my father. you take me to a candy store.
you tall me to pick out what i want. all the things i want. you tell me i can have anything i want. and i come back to you with one of everything... even the things i dont like... because i want it all...

you take some things away and tall me i can have what im left with. then you take my hand and walk me to the check out. when we get there, i put all the pieces you'll let me have on the counter. when i look up at you and smile you knock it all over the floor.

then you stand there and wait for me to pick up the pieces... inevitably... i cant get all of them... i cant find some and i what i got on the counter. again, you throw them another time...

why am i picking up the pieces knowing what your going to do? knowing ill end up with less and less each time?

you may have expected this response... but i have never gotten upset with you and stuck to it.
why do i let you do this?
why?
i knew it would come but you didnt even let me get to the counter this time.

fuck you and your fucking candy. and your fucking movie. and your fucking lies. and your fucking insecurities. fuck your expectations of the girl you want to fall in love with you. fuck your elitist bullshit.
eat me.
i would say make up your mind but why?
IM GONE.
i cant do this.
i dont hate you. i hate this.

****************

and here i am... a cigarette later... a little more calm.

your right.
we need time apart.
time for us to not talk.
to not see each other.
for us to figure things out for ourselves.
i dont know what you have to figure out.
you dont want ME and thats apparent.
and you know what.
THATS FINE.
i should have walked away a long time ago.
left you alone the first time.
you dont need me.
you dont want me.

so ill just go. ill go distract myself with something else. ill go meet someone else
and ill nit pick them the same way you do to me. and ill find all their faults and ill
point them out. and ill move on again and again.

so here we go.
i hope your happy.
and i hope school goes well
and i hope you find the perfect woman.
who is a mix of all the people you want.
i hope you never stumble in my path.
i hope your mind never turns to me again.
i hope you end up the way you imagine.

i hope you get what you want.
and i hope you were right.
and i hope all this makes me smarter.
i hope it all makes me stronger.

i'd have given anything for this to work and i only realize now its to late. i have given to much already.

*******************************

maybe i was wrong about that.
i hope you think about me and it makes you sick. things about me sleeping in someone elses bed.
my toothbrush in someone elses bathroom.

i hope it keeps you awake at night.

and i hope your never satisfied.
i hope you never get what you want and that i haunt you.

and i have to learn to adjust.
to not having to find a parking spot on your street.
no more 2am pajama clad visits.
no more holding onto someone elses waist while i sleep.
i hope this all crashes on you at once.
when you feel the most alone.
when you need someone most.
i hope you find my hair on your shirts.
and in your shower.
and in your bed.
i hope the memories bother you.
and i cant tell you how much this hurts.

this is a roller coaster with no seat belts.
i have been tossed out onto the tracks.
your still riding, smiling,
holding your hands up in the air.
i hope you find out you were wrong and no one will make you smile.
and no one will put up with your shit. and no one will deal with your
mood swings. i hope you get your heart broken 4000 times and each
one is worse than the last.

i hope you never forget.
i hope you never move on.
i hope you cry over this.
then i know your heart is as fucked as your head.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i found something so amazing about it that my moods jumped all over.
i never really think about what a spaz i am until i find something to
prove it. i get told all the time... but i dont see it. you cant tell me i do it.
ill tell you i dont... and then ill get all.... whatever that was, on YOU. ehhhehe
dont piss me off sucka... itll be your ass... =)

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