i didnt think i was going to do this but... lets write a little pre valentines day entry... i wasnt going to write on at all... its just another day to me... usually a crap day... everything always goes wrong... so... some v day stories for you...

i was with a boy named matt (way at the begining of my dl time there is lots about him and he pops up every now and then... he was one of the boys in the car accident i wrote about recently)

i can only seem to remember a few valentines days... probably because i block them out and forget about them...

the first year we were together we were both very young and we were only dating for 4 months... i wanted to do something different because i was the little goth girl and always in black and spider webs and looking really dark. so i got all ready knowing we had plans to hang out that day and i dressed in this pretty white slip type dress that i had found at a deziner store in the artsy section of providence...

i curled my hair up tight and put babys breath in it and deniyed myself any black make up and did it all in silver... i even ditched the black combat boots for silver heels... and then i sat... for hours... getting more and more upset at his lack of attention all day and as time went on i was pulling the flowers out of my hair and rubbing my eyes and threw the shoes and ripped the dress off and put pjs on.

then... he called around 9pm. i went over in a hurry... after thorwing the white dress back on and trying to make semblance of my now messy hair... i got there and he was laying around with his brothers watching "the hobbitt"... i was barely there to anyone let alone him... so i sat in a dark corner and cursed that i was happy it was valentines day. i walked home shortly after wondering why i cared in the first place.

the next year... we were at a year and 4 and i figured this one would be different. especially because i had been sleeping with him now in every sence of the word and we were in a "relationship". same thing as the year before. he invited me over for dinner with his family and i dressed up and i was really excited because i had someone to share this rediculious holiday with... it was... just as if not less eventful and romantic than the last... i walked home and wondered why i cared again...

then next we had been together 2 years and 4 and i figured this one better be a real valentines day. i had practically been living with him and doing everything with him and we were definitly in super teenaged love. he called me early in the day to wish me happy valentines day and to tell me not to eat to close to dinner because we were going out for dinner. he had a family get together early in the day and he would call me when he was home.

me... again... dressed the valentines day part and got all cutsie in red and black and i was sooooo excited that this was the year... i waited til almost 10pm for him to call. i had forgot about it because there was no way we were going to go to dinner at 10:30pm. he came and got me around 11pm and drove to his house... and now... i said... "what the hell are you doing??? i am starving. i held out for you and now its going to be even longer!!!!!!"

he said he forgot his wallet.

he was in the house for 10 minutes and i was waiting in the car. i was livid and dizzy from hunger. he came out and said he couldnt find it and that i should come in and help him. when i got into the house there were candles everywhere, roses on the bed and a fresh cooked meal on the table. it melted away. i was ok with it now... a little better at least. i was still being stand offish because i wish i had known it would have been until 11 til i would eat.

so we sit down and were eating and talking and having a grand ol valentines day for 10 minutes when i hear the other room burst out in laughter. his brother and 8 of our friends were in a tiny bed room drinking a keg and on lsd... they started asking if they could come out now. so i ended up spending my valentines dinner trying to eat while our friends were running all over the place and being loud and obnoxious. so... it was more or less every other day in that house minus the roses and later a ring... it didnt help. 6 months later we were done...

the next i spent with a boy i was using for sex that turned out to think he was an alien and we went for steak and i swallowed a filling...

i cant seem to remember any more of them but i remember they always suck...