if you have read anything in here about jayson pre stopping sleeping with him for the sake of feeling like he had any ounce of love for me...you will know that he tried to kill me by breaking my heart and putting it back together to break it again... and i let him do it... because i had wanted this boy for 7 or 8 years. i let him do whatever he wanted to me... use me like he wanted hurt and then fuck me... anything... everything was for him. and i wasnt love sick and i didnt smother him but i loved him so well and no matter how much he knew it and even pointed it out it was never good enough.

please read this if you care to understand.

(we are great friends now because i have shut all feeling for him down and i have only slept with him when i have felt like using someone. we have a great friendship. hes more like my brother and im not even attraced to him anymore... thats how bad he broke my heart. that last entry wasnt the only one to look like that)

so... jayson called me about an hour ago. i work monday nights and i am not at work because i am hung over tonight. i really should be at work. but he had no idea i wasnt... so he called and i answered and told him i was on the computer screwing around. he sounds wrong... something isnt right in his voice. the first thing he says is "can you come over?"

i looked at the clock and it was getting to about 11:30 and had i gone out at all today i would have makeup on at least (not that he cares and not that he hasnt seen me without it more than anyone else... including my family) but i was all sleepy and i just ate and im in my pjs and unshowered and blah. so i laughed at him and he started to sound hurt. and you have to under stand. i dont hurt jayson. he hurts me. nothing i do will ever make that boy feel anything.. well... emotionally anyway.

so im trying to get out of him whats wrong and he goes on a lecture about how he called me last week and i didnt call him back... something stupid like that so he can sound upset about something other than what he really wants to say. so eventually i get it out of him. hes upset about a girl.

ladies and gentlemen... a girl...

now... i didnt give you background on this but jayson doesnt like girls... not that hes gay... he just doesnt like them. they are to much work and hes to busy with school and things and he had to break my heart because i got to him and made him love me and he coudlnt stand being happy. and here we go again... but this one is funny...

its funny because he told me like this...

"do you know holly hunter? well thats what this girl is... just stretched out... shes tall... and i cant get my eyes off of her. its like i have a lock on her like you have when you fly a jet in a video game. its like "boop boop bopp" on her and i cant take my eyes off of her. shes so beautiful and its driving me nuts because i know she is trouble with a capital neon T and i can hear it (mimicks neon sound way to good). i dunno kris... i dont know what im doing"

and hes going on and on about her and how great she is and that she is "a pretty funny smart talented girl" and thats why hes in love with her and ra ra ra and the whole time im sitting there saying to myself... well... id like to think im those things.... what was wrong with me? what was i missing???

all i had to do of course to keep from thinking about it was remember what i went thru... and its not so bad. and i am truly happy for him meeting this girl... thats when i ask...

me- does she like you back?

him- i dunno.

me- did you tell her you felt like that?

him- NO!

me- then whats the big deal??? she doesnt even know! your a freak.

then he goes on about how he just met her monday in theater class.

"we were doing this improv called hitchhiker. its when you pretend to be in a car and you pick someone up and you have to..."

"i know jayson... remember all the theater ive done?"

"ok.. anyway... were doing it and this is the first time weve me and the first words out of her mouth are... 'you cant stop here. its bat country' and i was all like... well who is this girl and why is she reading my thoughts! shes so funny. she aske me if i like the gilmore girls and i said yes and she said we talk like them and i said yes. and i cant talk around her. i just stare at her... and all i can say is yes to her. its like in spider man 2 when hes talking to mary jane and he is just staring and she finishes talking and all he can say is 'oh boy heah' and she didnt say anything to make him say that and she says 'oh boy yeah what??"

and you havent told her?

"no i cant tell her. like... i cant get my eyes off of her... i dunno if this makes sence but i can still FEEL her in my eyes" she took my home from class because my car was broken and we talked in the car for like a half hour in the lot and i invited her in and i told her i needed a sign to hold up that says 'do you wanna come in and not have sex'.

so she came in and we were going over our theater scenes and she sang for me and she likes this i like... i sing for people NO ONE EVER SINGS FOR ME!!! SHE SANG TO ME!!"

jayson... why dont you tell her you feel this way..

"because i know shes trouble... shes 18..."

to which i burst out laughing because when we started dating i think i was 20 and he was 26 and that was a crazy big difference and he hated it but he meets a tall holly hunter and shes 18 and hes 28 and hes considering it????

what a freak... and you know what i say...

i hope she breaks his heart... because after pouring all this out to me... he prepositioned me for sex to get his mind off of it... to which i replied...

why so you can think about some 18 year old?

he didnt like that...

so i told him i was getting off the phone because he managed to make me feel bad because i am so all the things that girl is and more and he is smitten... dont get me wrong... im not jealous. i would never let any feelings ever reignite for him but... shit man... call you sister and tell her this... not your ex that was head over heels for you while you treated her like a kid...

eat it...

so i tolg him he made me feel like shit and that i was going to go and that he should go cry about it and eat cookies and get fat.
he didnt like that... he sounded like he was going to cry when i was getting off the phone with him... but sorry honey... im not going with you to dennys at midnight because you have a crush on a barely legal girl...