i didnt get his after noon call until later and he said in it "ill call you when i leave... maybe we can meet up" meet up means lilis for pool and i was there but he never showed. so i got home and i had another message from him that he left while i was at lilis (its loud and i didnt hear the tele)
i didnt call him back when i got the message because i know he goes to sleep early having to be up early and i know he has a lot of shit going on at work (he teaches physics and its science fair week) so that was last night and i havent called all week so he could have his time and get his stuff done without me wanting a piece of his time. i understand this makes me look like i dont care about him or how his week is going or anything like that but its just that i want him to have the time he needs to focus on what is important.

well, that and im not sure how he feels about me or how i feel about him...

but then there is this other thing... not a thing so much as another boy... we'll call this one... BOOTS. (dont ask... i dont ever think ive seen him in boots... ever)

well, boots and i met a few months back now and ive always liked him. hes really super great and smart and soooo talented and just a whole lot of fun... (not to mention he's adoreable and i have soooo much fun when im with him)
well, boots has asked me out a bunch of time (not hounding me but not wanting to let me forget about him) i like him so much that i always say no because i know what i do to guys and i reeeeeeally dont want to do it to him.
hes uber sweet and i would rather keep him as a friend than get him, do what i want with him, and then forget him. not that those are ever my intentions with anyone but i can see the pattern and i wont deny that i do it...

well, certain people i know will be able to handle it... they wont hate me... and if they do... they wont throw it in my face... i dont think he'd be able to handle it quite so well.

but thats no reason to discount him... maybe hes what im looking for right now...

WHAT IM LOOKING FOR RIGHT NOW: someone i can be with for more than a month. someone i can be with for days and not get sick of... someone i can be without for a few days and trust. someone that can trust me when im not around for a few days. someone thats not willing to let me give up and someone that will let me help them when they need it. someone i can goof off with all day and cuddle with all night.

as much of a sex fiend i am im not really into just screwing to screw. thats getting kind of old. its nice... dont get me wrong... but it seems to just make me feel like shit after. im using these people just as much as they use me... and im not saying that to make myself feel better... its true... a mutual use... anyway... i really want more than that...

i dunno if i wrote about him...but i was seeing someone a few monts ago and it lasted a little while... and i liked him and the sex was great and he was fun and all but he would say creepy things like "i thought i swaw your car outside my apartment when i got home from work... i thought you were there waiting for me..." he wanted me to to sit outside his house... and then he'd say things like "i cant wait to get you pregnant"...

errrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhht. breaks. no more of this guy. but he is a good person and i liked him being around... but he was just creepy at times and i couldnt deal with it.

i know im capable of a committed long term relationship. ive done them... i'll even admit i kind of like them.
but im afraid of screwing them up because i dont want to hurt anyone. im not worried about me... hurt me... go ahead. ill live and ill probably get on with my life faster than you could dump me... but im just not sure...

and so last night i went out with boots and we were just shooting some pool and i have been thinking about him a lot... i mean... A LOT... and its scary... i miss him when he's not around... i really do... and i dont get to see him to often. we mostly just run into eachother when were out. but we made plans to go out last night and we were playing pool and i decided to let myself drink last night and i may have gotten a little silly and even talked boots into doing a shot of tequila with me.

liquid courage time... i told him i missed him... like... "hahhah your such a goof... i missed you... hehhehe"
and he said "yeah right you missed me?"
(he has definite self esteem issues) and when i assured him i missed him he was denying it and blaming it on me being a little tipsy... and i explained that i has missed him and that ive been thinking about him. he again brushed it off again... i grabbed his face and kissed him...

we continued to play pool and he continued to dismiss what i had told him and im fine with it because it shows that he knows what kind of a person i am and he wants to make sure im serious.

so we were leaving and we kissed in the parking lot and avowed to one another that we wish we were able to go home with one another and cuddle.

i wasnt even 4 blocks from the joint and he had already texted me with "I wanna go keep you warm tonight"

my texts wouldnt work so i called him and told him i would like the same and i talked to him all the way home and till he got home (he lives a city away)
we made plans to hang out tongiht and get some dinner and not drink (we are always drinking when we see eachother) and hang out.

he e-mailed me this morning to see if i still wanted to get together tonight "now that your sober"...
i said i did and made sure he was still down and so there it is... were having dinner together tonight... "the boy" is going to a comedy show with a giant group of people and im going to imagine he'll end up at lilis as boots and i probably will too...

what now?