i went to lilis alone (as i like to do and just mingle and play pool and take it easy)and i had a few drinks and played a few good games and when i lost my run i went to nick-a-nees. i walked in and dan (a boy im seeing) was there with our friend eric.(desi the bartenders beau) i havent seen dan since halloween (sunday) which, i never see him from sunday to wednesday. i work monday night and tuesday day and he works the 9-5... so our schedules dont match up and i need my space too... so, for some reason, he seemed to have taken offense to the fact we hadnt been in touch since sunday and when i walked in and gave him a peck on the cheek he didnt even look at me.

i then went and said hi to the handfull of people i knew in there and got a drink and said hi to desi. i went over and sat next to dan at the bar and he still didnt look at me (im not heart broken over this...) eric leans over and says over the band playing "dan missed you" and i laughed and asked him if it was true... he still didnt look at me and didnt answer me... (im still fine with this)

it was erics turn on the table and he left the 2 of us sitting there. i tried to make small talk but when dan started talking i noticed the sluring and that he was wobbling (obviously intoxicated).... so desi comes over to talk for a minute and he orders a shot of jagermeister... i knew this could only end badly. i said "kiddo... you dont need that" to which he replied "im trying to crash my car tonight... its to silver"

so i wrote it off and started looking around the bar and watching the band and he leans over... almost falling off his chair and asks...

"if you died tomorrow and could look back on your life... would you be happy with it"

"(without hesitation) YES"

he looked at me disgusted

d- why?

me- i dont want for anything. i dont need anything better than anyone else. i just want to live day to day. i have a home and friends and family and im not starving.

d- that doesnt make any sence

me- would you be happy if you died tomorrow?

d- no

me- why not?

d- cause people are scum. we dont desirve to be here. why are you so happy with your life... how can you be ok with everything?

me- i have all i need. im just living day to day and i smile more then i frown.

d- people suck. how can you be happy?

me- i just am. why are people scum?

d- they just are. we are the most horrible species. do you think people are mostly good?

me- you dont know their stories. you dont know if their good or bad until you meet them and get to know them.

d- their all scum. we all are. im the most aware person in here.

me- (poinitng to the singer lady in the band) is she scum?

d- i dunno

me- is the drummer scum

d- i dunno

me- what about that guy with the hat... is he a bad person?

d- i dunno.

me- so how can you say that?

d- so you thing generally people are good?

me- for the most part... until they prove me otherwise.

d- so you think everyone is good. can you say you dont like people you know?

me- yes

d- can you say you think you know more good people than bad?

me- yes. there are good people who do bad things and bad people who do good things. its just what you take from them and let yourself believe they are.

d-(getting frustrated) all people are scum. what other species do you think are as unhappy as humans? they are all happy except for us.

me- you dont know that.

d- name one that is as unhappy and as shitty as humans.

me- i cant. i dont know how other things think. you cant know.

then he goes on this big long rant leaning over sideways to me with his hand over his most to catch the sound of his voice and his chin is almost touching the bar. he goes on and on and i listen... interjecting every know and then to get him to clarify on why he thinks the things he does. he insists that he knows all there is to know and that people suck and that he knows this because we have free will. because we choose to do the things we do... (making no sence if you cant tell) and i throw some money on the bar and i kiss him on the cheek. i say bye to desi and eric and i get in the car and come home. i get here around 12 and in he time from 12 to 1:30 am he calls me 12 times... leaves 6 messages and text messages me 7 times. i eventually shut my phone off so i dont have to hear the incessant ringing and tones of messages being left.

i finally crawl into bed around 2 and turn my phone back on and get all his messages. they are equally as rediculous as all the shit falling out of his mouth at the bar. and to clarify... i didnt leave because i was upset about our conversation or his view on anything.i was smiling when i left the bar. i love discussions and debates and i would have argued for the side of good vs. evil all night. i just cant take the depression. he saw people having fun and smiling and it was making him miserable. he just wanted to bring us all down. i hate that and i didnt want to see him like that. so far today he has called me once and left me a message because i didnt get the phone. it was along the lines of...
"im sorry about the train wreck last night. i was in a mood. i would really like it if you would call me back at some point today even if it is to tell me that you never want to talk to me again... sorry. bye"

get off the fucking pity pot.
seasonal depression is something everyone goes thru.
welcome to fall... wait for winter...

im sure this is not easy to follow and maybe not interesting enough to sit thru and read to the end... i just figured someone would think about it...