feast or famine- just the way it is... the way it will always be.

work- something thats glitter has melted away to revel the normalicy and monotony. somewhere for people who could care less about hanging out with me come and expect free drinks. somewhere i get taken advantage of no matter from what direction i enter or exit.

im feeling really left out of my life right now. im feeling out of control and then i find myself wondering what it is i am supposed to be controlling...

i have been awake since 9:15am. usually on a thursday i am awaken by the sound of a 400lb woman screaming her head off at 6 childern that she babysits... but not today... i just couldnt sleep.

(i scared her with telling her not to hit the kids anymore and that i would see to it that she would never see them again. i havent seen her since or the kids. i contacted DCYF today to tell them what i had seen and that i wanted to make certian she never had contact with children anymore.)

but instead of being awaken by unhappy, inhumane screams and demands i was awoken by my own distress. my dreams are so tense and disturbing that i dont enjoy sleeping. i have to do crossword puzzles to get myself tiered enough to lay down and possibly nod off...

i feel sick right now. thinking about jayson. i think he gets into logan air port in boston in 30 minutes and then has an hour long bus ride before he shows up in rhode island again after italy.

i dont know what to expect. he wants to try again. and being that i write about him on here... sure... you could get a vague idea of our story. you dont get the details or the changes that we go thru on a weekly basis.

but after a few nasty break ups and some choice words and being in the "grey" area he wants to do it again. and i do ask myself why. and i tell myself no. but i cant help thinking... feeling... getting emotional. and i hate it.