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2004-02-26����11:45 p.m.
involved

a new twist in the story... and this time i am in a whirwind. i wrote about going out the other night with my friends from work and hanging out till 4am.. well, i talked to jayson sunday morning and he was upset that i missed all of his calls and he left me 3 messages and i didnt get them till almost 5am... so, we talked for a while and i apologized for missing him saturday night and i told him what we did and that i had a blast and that there was someone interested in me. he didnt seem to happy about that.

so we talked more and he told me his plans for the day that he was going to eat with his family and friend web (my gambling partner in crime) and he asked if i wanted to go. but it was 2pm and i had just woke up and he was getting ready to leave and i knew i would be making people wait. if you know me or have seen a photo of me i wear a good deal of make up and have lots of days that i feel like i look like shit and the only thing that makes me feel better is to change 400 times before going back to the thing i had on first... so... i told him i would see him later...

i called ian for a bite for lunch to talk to him which turned into a coffee at the cable car, hanging out with andrew for a while, going to finally get something to eat and then somehow i thought it would be ok to go to his house and watch a movie... it ended up once again being a late night of hanging out and laughing and goofing off and i missed jayson all night again... i had to work monday and jayson has school...

so... needless to say... i didnt talk to him all day. joe showed up at the hot club as he does every monday and tuesday when i work and ian came in and we decided that we were going to go play pool across the street. and we did... and my phone went unheard again... and jayson called over and over... and finally i saw the green light flashing and answered it and he let loose a rant on me... about how i was avoiding him and ignoring him and he was really upset and hurt and just wanted to talk to me.

so i told him i wasnt, that i had just been busy doing other things and that i would leave then to go over and talk to him.(we had started our normal talk about how i want to be with him and he wants to have me around when he wants...) so we hadnt finished it because we were writing eachother letters on thursday... so i had mine... in my car (as everything usually is) and i went over... letter in hand. i walked in and instead of stepping toward me and hugging me and kissing me and then pushing me away and telling me i smell like cigarettes... he took a step back and looked at me... then he stretched out and arm, grabbed my shoulder, pulling me closer and hugged me, kissed my cheek and held me there...

he confessed that he was really upset that i hadnt been around and that he was "more fucked up these last few days than in a long time".

we started talking... me sitting on a chair at the kitchen table, he, standing next to the output for the heat on the stove... and we talked like that for a minute. i approached the front of the stove and looked him in the face more close and warmed my hands... he started pacing which he does a lot... mostly when hes thinking of a song, or talking on the phone... i sat on the floor with my back to the heat and he slid down the door way to the pantry...

we had done this before... but it was the second time i went to his house where we ended up sitting and talking about our past relationships and things, sharing stories and memories... a far cry from our topic now. he talked about how he wrote me a terrible mail and he didnt want me to read it and that when i go home and get on the computer, not to even open it and just delete it... i told him there was no way i could do that... fair is fair... i wrote him a letter and i diserve mine...

so we talked.. and he confessed all of these feelings to me... telling me that he wasnt sure if he missed me when i was gone because he just liked me being around or if he missed me because he wanted me around. he told me we needed to stop the grey (hanging out, sleeping together, doing everything together accept essentially being TOGETHER)

i agreed. he said "i know theres someone else you like... that likes you... i have womens intuition in that way... i know it." and i told him there was... but i wasnt sure about it. that i had met him at the hc and that he was a former employee and yadda yadda....

so we talked which turned into me pouring my feelings out to him and crying in intervals and him holding me and telling me he hates to see me cry... that he would do anything to stop it. i calmed down and we talked more and he told me he had come to the conclusion that he loved me and wanted me to be with him and would give anything to change the way he has treated me and thats how me feels but he wants me to be happy and if it doesnt include being with him that thats fine as long as i am happy... and thats when i lost it.

i was starting to do it. tell myself to move on... to turn it off with him... to forget it and leave... but i cant.

i have a weakness for him... like a person who spends weeks in the desert and gets handed a giant bottle of poland spring... and they grab it and start drinking... and their stomach is filling up, and its going to burst, and to much water is bad, and they should stop, and take small sips, but they keep sicking it down, thats him... swelling my belly till i burst... i cant get enough... and i have been hoping for this day and those words for so long... and now what???

what the fuck do i do now???

so he offers me a chance to read the mail in front of him... he wont let me go home and read it, i have to read it in front of him... like it will be easier... "i warn you. i was really mad and really hurt and i took it all out... i said some really shitty things and you have to promise not to hate me when your done..." with things like this i think i should keep them for myself... because in all honesty he was saying bad things about himself and nice things about me... vowing to let me go so i can "be happy and move on".

so... if your curious and want to read it... ill know you actually read this and maybe ill pass it on to you...

but i dont think anyone has made it this far or cares that much.

so... here i am

true love in one hand... all i have been wanting, vying for, coveting and dreaming of... and a new start in a different direction in the other...

and what do i do???

i break down and go into a fit of hystrics (not really but uncontrollably crying) because i am so torn... wondering how long it will last this time with him, and if i should bother wasting my time and effort on him and turning this sweet new fun boy away only for the past to repeat itself...

and i must confess... i think i have made my decision... and its not one thats widely supported... but i think its best... its the most comfortable for me... its me getting what i want... its me being wanted... its me having my boy, and my bed, and my house key and my cat. its him... its always been him...

but i havent told him this yet... but he could probably tell when i let him run me a hot bath and wash my hair, cook me food and wear his clothes to bed... when i slept holding on to him... when i woke up with him, when i came again last night... and want to again tonight...

its him

its always him

i just hope it doesnt go bad again

because i will not wait next time

for him to overcome his fears

for him to decide

for him to break me

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