my week:

i am really excited... i got john mayer tickets! im going with a friend of mine from work. its going to be so much fun minus the crappy seats.=)

jayson and i were going to go out and get food the other day but it turned into him ranting about all the people he goes to school with and how much they piss him off... how ignorant they are. so that brought us into how he should read my old journals that consisted a lot of rants like that... then we went into the subject of "us" which isnt what i should call it... we are not us at all but there is something we just cant give up about eachother... that lead into us talking about how we feel about one another and how we just cant seem to figure out the whole mess we are in. i feel like a stupid girl talking about this and none of you know either of us but i feel like writing it down will solve something or at least maybe one of you guys could give and outside unbiased opinion.

we were talking about the people he goes to school with and then he was talking about a woman he has class with and how he was getting to know about her life... she is native american and they are in a native american history course together and he likes to hear it "from the horses mouth" as they say. she is involved in her tribe and is in a high ranking position... so he likes to learn from her and wants to get to know her better.

which somehow led into him talking about a girl he knew frrom high school that he hasnt seen in 11 years... her sister went into his job the other day and he gave her his number to pass on and she did and later that night they ended up going out and he was talking about how he was glad that he was going to get to know her again. which in turn got me thinking about how he doesnt know so much about me... he knows a lot... a lot of the on the surface stuff and silly stories and things but... not ME...

which got us to talk about us as we know one another...

and as we were talking he said... "sometimes i want to write you a letter... i dont know what i would say but i just want to write it all down..."

i told him i felt the same way but i wouldnt know what to write and i dont think it would come across the way i wanted it too...

so i tried yesterday but i feel like i failed miserably... would you mind terribly if i put it up here? its really just a jumble and i think i have to rewrite it... but with that come editing and changing and it seems to turn out more like an essay than a letter...

im just really screwed up about this... help me out here...

"feb 19-04

staring a letter is always the hardest part... getting things going... pulling together thoughts... points... trying to keep trackof everything... remember the big story... but scatter brained me just doesnt work like that... i cant think of what i want to say to you... afraid of sounding naive and needy... clingy and powerless...

im not going in order... i have no set way of writing this.

im writing to tell you i want you with me... not in the sence of by me always... just with me... to know we are us... to be wanted the way i want... to be coveted the way i covet...

as im trying to focus and write this i am listening to music... and lyrics do nothing but remind me...of other times... of summers... of school... friends...places, but all songs point to you now...

"our love was comfortable

and so broken in..."

i have your house key on my ring still... why?

i wish i knew

i love the comfort that it brings that it is still there...

i look at it sometimes and wonder where you are...

if i used it... would you be in the kitchen sipping tea?

in the bedroom reading the bbc news on your computer?

on the phone pacing the floors?

would you be at school?

what would i do?

would i put on your clothes and lay in your bed?

would i wear your socks and pretend they were your feet?

would i use your cologne on the pillow next to me and pretend you are sleeping?

would i walk in and suprise you?

if i did... what would you do?

grab me and hold me?

kiss my neck and play with my pony tail?

would you look shocked and put your hand out for the key?

i just wonder...

i wish it was there so i knew where i was going when i went "home" after work.

i wish it was there as a fixture, a give in...

that you expected me to lay with you every night.

"cant remember

what went wrong, last september

thought im sure you'd remind me

if you had to..."

i want your hands in mine

i want your unconditional love

i want your face next to mine in pictures

out toothbrushes touching

i want you to believe me when i say your the only one i want

your not holding me back from knowing that the way you think you are...

i dont go thru my day discounting anything... keeping my head down and overlooking people... i meet new people everyday, perfectly nice people. but there is no one i can compare to you.

i adore your noises

and your questions

your laugh

your opinions

your stories, ideas, feelings...

the way you tug on your shirt and how you tinkle with your guitar and when you take my hands and sing to me, face to face, and i cansee the world in you, and i can only wish to have you sing to me everyday.

"one more thing

why is it my fault?

so maybe i try to hard

but its all because of this desire

i just wanna be liked

i just wanna be funny

looks like the jokes on me

call me captain backfire"

i wish i could do this better

i wish i could be what you deisre

i want to be wanted

the helplessness returned to me

to make love and cry

to be caught and held in photos

pickes up, stared at... studied...

i wish a smell would bring your thoughts to a stop and make a bee line to me. i wish in the middle of the day, when your mind drifts... that it imagines where i am and what im doing... and make you smile...

i do that with you... i picture you in class, at work and playing your games... but i understand that you dont feel the same way.

i know you dont want to need anyone... but i also see that you cant seem to let go. but... is it habit?

you get what you want from me... my attention when your ready for it. my body when you want it. my smile when you make it. my eyes when yours meet mine. you always get what you want from me.

and i get you...

"i cant be his angel now

you know its not my place to hold him down

and its hard for me to take a stand

when i would take him anyway i can..."

i understand all ot this and none at the same time. i understand you dont want me the way i want you. but i cant understand the helplessness that comes with the realization. why neither of us can just walk away.

it brings me to the thought that you never intorduced me as your girlfriend... when i was your girlfriend... i was always this is my friend krissie... which i love... i love being your friend and i never want that to change...

but i wasnt krissie (as thou people had heard of me) or my girlfriend krissie.

like you were embarassed by me. you like less about me then what you dont like... the negatives about meseem to be more plentiful then my good points.

i start to feel like i dont have any.

i was born to late

i take up lots of bad habits

i hide in my own body

i just got a phone call...

apparently im working tonight...

i was on a roll...

i think...

im not sure if any of this makes sence

i may just be talking in circles

i just and seem to stress ehough that i dont want anyone else.

i dont want anyone elses kisses on my face... no one elses hands on me.

i could trace your tattoos with my finger tips for the rest of my life and be happy. i could rub your head till you fall asleep, feel your skin on mine, your cold feet on my legs, hold your hand in the car. fold your laundry before you come out of the bathroon and tell me to stop... i could eat eggs for every meal we have together. i could smell nothing but your cologne and nothing else forever and be happy.

i just wish you felt the same about me. i wish you could lose your fears about me... us... i wish you could look thru what other people think... and do.. i wish you could just be mine and let me be yours.

that we could see one another when we can even if its once a week... ill take you any way i can...

but you see that as a bad thing...

i just adore you

i want to be adored

i just feel you

i want to be felt

i cant seem to find anything that stresses this...

and i know you dont want this... and i know you dont want me...

i tried to take a stand

i tried to push you away

but the thought of it crushes me

crushes me but i know its all i can do to get clean of you...

but i know that wont work either

it would make me miss you more

want you more

im pretty fucked here

i dont know where it goes from here.

i dont know what any of this means

i fall into you

i will as long as you allow me

i am enveloped by you

i only wish i was as much to you"