a new job...

time for a new out look on life...

but i dont have one. i love my job. its so fun. i meet great people and i make money having fun. you dont have to hate your job. i love mine. i love getting up and going and bullshitting and interacting. i have a great job... and i cant complain... about that.

i am not happy in my life otherwise. not suisude unhappy but... unfulfilled. as i briefly mentioned before jayson and i are no longer together... but you would never know that seeing us together. i have slept at his place for the last week, every night. even when i dont think im going to... having left him in the afternoon, he calls me no matter what time and asks me over, we meet, midnight...1...2...3am... i stay there and we sleep intertwined.

he kisses my face and holds my hand, sings to me and tells me all the things he used to... but he calls it, our "situation" but "i dont want to call it that" he says. its not a "relationship" or a "situation" as alyah would call it (sweetheart she is) the "guy im dealing with".

but what kid of deal is this? i guess im getting what i want... the love and adoration i am addicted to... and he gets what he wants... me at his disposal. when he doesnt want to sleep alone... eat alone... be alone... i am there... but i dont get him the way i want him. and i dont know what to say about it. he asked me the other day as i had just mentioned this place...

"do you write anything about me on there?"

"i have"

"when i dumped you?" (with a smile)

"i mentioned it briefly"

he hugged me and laughed... he finds this silly... and i admit, sometimes so do i. but i need this... let out. i wish i could give you the feeling i have right now... just briefly... and ask you what you would do with it... this sick to my stomach feeling i have about him... our "situation" that is "not a situation".

id like to get some input here and i wish i could walk away. he reminds me that he is not my "boyfriend" so he cant tell me what to do. but i wonder... if i pulled myself away... if he would like that? if it would help either of us. we seem to have a hard time pulling away. one of us has to. but i dont want to walk away from him. im not hanging on for the next best thing... i dont want anything else. i try... i want to give him my absence... thats why he dumped me right? to be without me? to be alone? so why the late night calls and omlets... why did we end up spending new years together? he called as i had left him shortly before and said "we have lots of chinese food and alcohol... you should come by" i did... i went with wendy and joe for dinner and a nice water fire walk... a short stroll around downtown providence... for a drink with them at the hot club and then we parted at 11:40pm... i sped my way thru the departing traffic and the incoming for the fireworks...i made it... with 9 minutes to spare. we toasted and kissed at midnight and all i could think as he stared me in the face is how much i would love to kiss him every new year minute for a lonnnng time.

we watched the fire works outside and giggled and oohed and ahhed and spent the night together again... i left him yesterday afternoon and we did our own thing all day... i didnt expect to hear from him... not the way i did... he was leaving for long island this morning to go work at another place that needed him more than his store with... her. no one... but not me...

but he called at 12:45am and asked if i wanted to watch his cat PIXEL while he was gone. i was happy to be able to do it... but i cant help but ask myself... why me? he had someone else set up to do it. but he called me and cancelled with them...

so why? i stayed again last night and kissed him good bye this morning. i fed his kitty... went and got can food for him and went back again a short time ago... got him some mice and we played for a bit... and i want so badly to feed that cat everyday... to be there with them... to call him home.

and i dont know if he has gotten a hold of this yet... or if he will, not that he doesnt know these things already. but im afraid... of the next move... he wants to get further apart... i want to get closer... and when i try to keep my distance...he brings me closer. and i want to walk away... see what he would say if i was gone... but i fear it wont be what i hope... that he will take it as me leaving him and he will keep getting further away. i wish i had a clue...

but for now, i continue on, using him in a sence and letting him use me... and we seem happy, maybe we are... but i know there is more for us together... rather than apart. i need to stop this circle i am stuck in. one way or the other...

"tonight you stooped to my level

i am your mangy little whore

now you're trying to find your underwear

and then your socks and then the door

and you're trying to find a reason

why you have to leave

but i know it's 'cuz you think you're adam

and you think i'm eve

you rhapsodize about beauty

and my eyes glaze

everything i love is ugly

i mean really, you would be amazed

just do me a favor

it's the least that you can do

just don't treat me like i am

something that happened to you

i am truly sorry about all this

you put a tiny pin prick

in my big red balloon

and as i slowly start to exhale

that's when you leave the room

i did not design this game

i did not name the stakes

i just happen to like apples

and i am not afraid of snakes

i am truly sorry about all this

i envy you your ignorance

i hear that it's bliss

so i let go the ratio

of things said to thing heard

as i leave you to your garden

and the beauty you preferred

and i wonder what of this

will have meaning for you

when you've left it all behind

i guess i'll even wonder

if you meant it

at the time"

ani d-