there is nothing to look forward to as far as i am concerned right now. accept getting a job. i still need to go get my photo taken for bartending school. thats so simple. just go. but i cant bring myself to do it. i dont want to go back there. damn the camera for being broken on the day i graduated. damn it all to hell. so... i was going to do that tomorrow. but i am going with my friend joe to his high school reunion cuz wendy is working. its going to make me miss high school even more.

but... what are you gonna do.

the update on things... no job, my cats dying, my friend emily (if youve read the begining of my journal you know who andrew is...) doesnt want me to be around andrew anymore because "frankly. i dont trust you at all" because i gave him of bunch of pictures of him that i found and one of them is us at a birthday party and he has him arm around me... but we were together then. hes like my brother now... my cafe counselour. so. that and i got dumped. jayon says he cant love anyone more then he loves me but he just cant be with me. "its to unfair. you put so much into this and i have to deal with school and work and all this stuff and i cant give you what you give me. i love everything about you but i just cant seem to love you as well as you love me". so thats over. we have decided to remain friends. we were friends many years before anything romantic happened and the realtionship was great so we cant just let it go. there are no grudges here... just two very confused caring people. i never thought caring was bad...

but ben chester and i have been hanging out a lot lately and i have been writing him tons of e-mails and he returns them all with the same novel length things that i write... but i figure inseatd of the blah blah this happened that happened... i think you can get more of me out of them. so here goes...

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so... when you left me you said you felt something really good was going to happen monday. i set myalarm in a weak attempt to get up earlier. i did... the alarm rang for about 40 minutes but i was up before 12. i called emily and i knew she would be at work but i left her a message and got a call back around 1:30. her and megan were outside and emily would be talking and then break out in laughter at whatever meg was doing. emily said she would be happy to get my stuff back to me but she didnt know when because she had to work till 4 and then go to cable car for andrews break. she said she had today off and was going to be moving stuff into andrews (poor sweet boy) and that he had to work at 3:30. she called less than half an hour ago and said she was in the process of moving and andrew got called in for 1 and that she is driving around with her parents suv with a broken down footon in it and she didnt know how she was going to get it up to the apartment. i would have gladly offered my service but she needs to suffer a bit. she said i was more then welcome to sift thru the stuff at her apartment to find my own and then the same at andrews or that i could wait till she was done moving and she would put it all together. she said she had to bring the car back to her parents and she was having dinner there too so i told her to call me and let me know what was up when she got back and we would figure something out. so thats where that is. bitchtard.

also monday... i got on the computer and started looking for jobs and there is really nothing good but i took down some telemarketing numbers and things like that. i didnt call anywhere because i just didnt want to be rejected all day. im not doing well in this job thing. i wanted to go to school yesterday but...

i was eating dinner and just about to go wash my dish and jayson called. he said he wanted to get some dinner and i said i wasnt hungry. he said he wanted to go for pho and i said i would accompany him. he said steve (the kid thats staying with him) was going to go too because he didnt have any money and jayson was going to get him some dinner. steve didnt end up comming, he ended up going to see perfect circle... (thankfully because all they talk about it transformers when their together) we sat while he ate and then i said i needed sugar. he took me and got me ice cream and we were laughing and dancing in the car and singing 80s songs as they kept comming on. guster came on too and i looooove guster so i sat in the car and enjoyed it as he ran into kb toys.

4

3

2

1

like the barrel of a gun....

we went to stop and shop because thats just what we seem to do when ever we see eachother and we went back to the apartment. he begged for a massage and gave me 10 bucks to do it and then said ill give you 10 more if you do my feet. i needed it and i didnt just want to take it as charity but i did a service and was paid for it. we hung out and we were talking and laughing and i asked... "should i go home tonight or should i go move my car and get my stuff???" he didnt answer. he pulled me onto his lap and had me watch a cartoon he had on the computer and he recited all the lines from it in between fits of hysteria. when it was over he put his foreheard against my chest. and i knew.

he looked up at me with pain in his face and i knew. i asked what was wrong to get the ball going and did it ever. before i knew it we were laying side by side and he was holding me as i cried and telling me how much he loved me and that he just cant anymore. i tried to hurt him and i guess i did because for the first time i saw him cry. we talked for a while and tried to make light of things but it was hard. we promised not to go away. tried to make sure it was imprinted how much we love one another and how we dont want to forget all the things we have done and tought the other and how good we feel about our selves with the other instiling these things. every time i got to a point where the tears werent falling and i wasnt sniffling and wiping snot on my sleeve he would say something and i would go into another fit.

i left at 3:30.

i drove till 4.

i came home and i painted til 5.

i woke up and it was fresh in my mind... kept there my my weak and shaking body. reminder of the pain... the 3 jars on the floor. i wanted so badly to say in bed and waste the day but i thought... what good is that. i need to start this healing... its going to be hard but i have to.

that was my monday. and here is my tuesday. it took me about 45 minutes to get my makeup on. that i can do in 10 minutes flat. it looks like shit but so do i. i feel like i was just dragged ashore after a terrible boat crash. so here i am. waiting to hear your good news.

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im not sure if it would be right of me to use the things he write to me. just know that he is a really sweet person and a great friend of mine and possibly my gaurdian angel because he listens to all of my shit and puts me in a better mood...

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To:

i hope you made it home ok. i was sitting here with my mail box open so i could see if you wrote. you didnt. but then i figured... i can just write you. you seemed a little quiet again when you were leaving. i told myself to just go to bed. get some good sleep. try to wipe myself of this worthless feeling. i really need a job. i have to feel like i have something to be taken care of. i am just sitting and making myself feel worse and i know i can feel better then this and i should but it is just such a shitty feeling that i cant keep everyone happy all the time. i cant even keep myself from this rut. my body is killing me. aching from emotion flying out of every pore... feeling ripped in 70 directions yet nothing to benefit my life. my hope for moving out diminishes more and more with each jobless day and the hope that i was going to do something great by 2004 is crushed. im not DOING anything. i want to be able to share stories about my day that people dont hear all the time.

so i paint jars

so what

so i want

everyone does

so i want to sleep

but cant

so i need to feel needed

but dont think its enough

so i want to be better

but i cant

not when im being pushed down

and im not fighting to get up this time

and i cant figure out why

i know i am worth more then i am giving myself. i am ready to do instead of talk. but do what? i need hope. mine is burried. under pity, loss, coveting, need, want, fear, helplessness and rage. but i am not using my anger. anger is a gift. i should be out there, showing them what i am. what i can do. what they are missing out on. i should be out there doing instead of talking. but i talk better then i fight. but here is when i should affirm that i am worthy. that i am to good for this city and its shitty jobs. i am to good for hopelessness. that i am a strong woman in a weak girls body. i have to show them that i cant just be left behind. that i am passionate. that i am what i am and that i am ready to move up. i am the next big thing. that i can leave them all behind and make them miss me.

i dunno where i am going with this. i think i am pep talking myself. i have to get over this thrown on shore feeling. after being tossed off of my high bow. im just writing for the sake of writing. im not making sence. i think thats a hint that i should go to bed. my dad will be getting up soon and i have to go so he can have his time on this lonely machine. with no feeling. just bad news and mind numbing crap. i wish i could paint. i wish i could sleep. but all i want to do is vomit. i want to purge myself of all this negitivity. i hope your night was better then mine. thou this is all my fault.

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hey b. i just got up after listening to my alarm going off from 10 am until about 11:30. then i went back to sleep and wendy and joe called me and woke me up to tell me funny stories about all the people at ben and jerrys asking for me and so on. i know your probably not going to get this mail until later because your out running b.c.'s tasks of the day.

wendy and joe mentioned going for a late lunch because they have to go grocery shopping. they still want to do game night and you are welcome to come along if you would do us the honor. im feeling a little better today thou i did tell myself to get up at ten and call these places for jobs. but... blah! if i can pay my bills for december and then x-mas comes andi get money from my dad and can pay my bills again... why work at all? there is some call for models and actors for ads on tv and in magazines and catalogues so i think i may go to that.... try to boost my self esteem. or break it in half... but thats not till the 6th i think.

i think im going to do my make-up... maybe try to paint that jar but i am so afraid of screwing it up and not being able to fix it. it looks nice out but im not believing it. blah... im going to try to do something constructive. but i think im going to put off calling for jobs till monday... lazy bitch i am. but today is sort of wasted... tomorrow is turkey day and friday is just friday. so monday... thats my goal.

goals... what a waste of hope.

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well, i jsut finished writing b another mail and its what prompted me to put those up but... i dont have it anymore... it hasnt reached my oh so adored sent mail folder (thats scarcasim.)