so i was feeling pretty sick over the whole thing but taking it well. i want nothing more than the chance to be with him and experiance much more with him by me. but i was also prepared to move on, suck it up and deal. i was seriously sick to my stomach about the whole situation.

emily convinced me to go to fetish night at hell and i dunno what let me. i was so tired and upset and i had just worked from 8am-7pm slept 3 hours then 6am-5pm and was falling asleep on my couch when she called. but, i got all decked out and went over. i whined about my tummy as i did her make-up and went over things in my head. (and with her over and over...)

we went, she broke andrews glasses (on accident of course) i was harassedby the ugliest skinnet little guy who claimed to know me... i was miserable and then i checked the time... i had 2 missed calls. one was wolfman... still need to call him back... and the other was jayson. he left a message saying he figured i would be sleep and "must be counting sheep or little plum creatures in dream land." he sounded upset and said he had just gone by my street getting a ride home and he debated on comming by (he has never just stopped by) but he made the right decision cuz i was "sleeping".

i listened to the message (sent at 11:32pm) around 1am, standing outside hell with jon ho, andrew and emm... we left and i dropped them off, i went home and called jayson. he was just falling asleep (1:45ish) he said he was thinking about me a lot before he fell asleep but wouldnt elaborate.

we talked about our nights and he said, "i'll call you after i get out of school tomorrow. around 12-12:30... or maybe ill just stop by your work".

i was a little more calm after talking to him and hearing his seemingly "miss you" voice. i worked all the next day with knots in my stomach and anxiously (yet cooly) awaiting his phone call. he didnt call around 12 or 1... not 2... but around 10 of 4. he said he had just got back to situate (about 45 minutes away) to his dads to drop off his truck because he needed it to pick up a couch. so he was going to be "maybe a half hour more"... i got a call around 5:15. i was clean and still a little soggy and picking out something to wear and brushing my wet hair. so i left to go meet him and i came into his house and didnt know what to do. so i stood there. didnt approach him for a hug, nothing. i stood, with my back close to the door and watched him. he came to me and held on tight and told me it was good to see me and kissed my forehead. then he pointed to some white shelves on the table and said "someday were going to paint these together"... i didnt know how to take this... i didnt know how to take anything.

we went next door to his friends and picked up a television because his wanst his and he had to give it back now that there was room for it with its rightful owner. we went to leave for pho and he had to go back in. we had to measure his windows for blinds. (the cat sabatoged them)

we went for dinner finally and he kept holding my hands and kissing me so naive me is sitting there wondering if hes back. and at that moment, he says "kris, i dunno why your so upset, were still going to have and do all the same things, were just not going to have sex." but no... thats not all that was going to change. but to him it was. so i started to get upset seeing i was getting the wrong vibe.

i started to well up because of course he decides to do this in the restraunt and not while we were at his house or in the car. no, now were in front of a bunch of people. so i calm myself, i dont think a single tear made its way out but i wanted to scream. i wanted to try to make him understand that he has changed everything... so we spent the night running his errands and what not.

(ohh... i have to tell this cuz after the hurt i get bitter and i went for that sooner than i thought) we went to borders and he was looking for books. i confesed that i wanted to vomit. we said he would leave and stole him self away from the tolkin section... we were walking out and he picked up something off of a display shelf and goes "kris... look! its the bedside karma sutra!" to which i replied. "dont waste your money... your not getting any" and he hung his head and agreed.

we went back to his house and his roomate was home (he never really is) and so we couldnt talk. jayson didnt really tell anyone as i later found out. so i sat there miserable and over thinking things and emm called to convince me to go to a party at her friends... i was going to go to get trashed and forget for a while but i said i was going to go by cable car first and i would pick up andrew and take him with me so she wouldnt have to leave. so i get up to go and jayson leaves the house with me. he walked me to my car and as i was trying to put my purse in to hug him goodbye and he grabbed me and wouldnt let me go. i told him one minute and he said "no!" in one of his many pouty little kid joke voices. he hugged me and layed my head on his shoulder and held tighter, leaving kisses all over every part that he could reach. so that sent me off again, feeling like i was wrong about him and maybe he is just fucking with my head. so after a very emotional good-bye he walks the 4 houses down and around the corner from where my car was parked back to his house. something made him turn around and come back. i pretended not to notice thru the smoke of my freshly lit cigarette and i turned on the car to go. he came over to ask if i was ok when in actuality i had been sobbing uncontrolably. i said i was fine and he asked for a ride over to his house. he apologize to me for hurting me and what not and said he loved me.. of course he did, just to rub that salt in. he exits the car, i enter the street and get to the cable car without crashing thou my makeup was clumping in my eyes and cloggin my tear ducts...

but i get there and emily is there, having had a shitty night herself. she had gone to the party and it proved to be a shitty idea because her friends are assholes... blind andrew comes out with a head ache from squinting all day and his roommate kazja showed up to say hi and grab a coffee (he usually does) but his uncle just commited suicide back home in japan and he has to return. so we all sat there feeling sorry for ourselves but eventually bring up one anothers spirits... we all parted ways and as i was saying my goodbyes to emm and andrew, jayson called. he asked if i could come over "because i called to say good night but your not to far away and saying good night to you is better in person anyway." (yet another mixed signal) but stupid love sick me went like a puppy to a food bowl.

he was mixing paint in his boxers on the floor for those "shelves were going to paint someday."

i came in and sat on the chair nearest the door. he sat mixing paint. everytime he stood up to do something he kissed me on the forhead or ruffled my hair. we were just going over our nights and what not and he goes...

"krissie. how do you feel about kids"

to which i responded withour hesitation " i love them". he said he had figured it out and he wanted to have kids as soon as he was out of school. "ill be 31 when i finish school... how old will you be?"

"i dunno, 25-26"

"yeah, 25 -26... do you want kids then?"

i just stared at him.

he used the example about his room mate al. (al had left in the time i was gone)

al moved to cali to live with his girlfriend and they were engaged and were planning on having kids and then one day she decided she was to young for this and left him, forcing him to come home to rhode island and need a place to go (jaysons for a few months)

so i tried to explain that yes that can happen, i would never deniy it but how can he be sure it always does... we debated and i was not trying to convince him of anything. we were just talking. so i said "i just dont see how you think nothing can work, there can be no good. everything ends and its always bad." he tried to tell me that i was going to see some hot guy my age and run off for him. and you know what... maybe that will happen... but how can you predict that?

so he said, "i want a kid. i want a kid now. i just do i feel like i have to have one... but i know im not ready financially stable enough and i cant, not with school."

and i said "i want two."

"so they have someone to play with"

"someone to look out for them"

it seemed almost instantly he was on his feet facing me saying

"i dont know what im doing. your amazing. i cant deny that your incrediable and your so great and i am crazy about you. (he takes me by the tops of my arms and stands me in front of him) i love you. i think about you all the time. and your right. i was making it end before its time. i was making it end badly and it doesnt have to. i love you and i cant let go of a good thing. not this. not yet. (he kissed me like i have never been kissed before, he backed up holding me still by the tops of my arms and said) your what i want. i want you and if it ends it ends, one way or the other. but im not going to do it. so will you saty with me?"

"as long as you'll let me"

ill leave the rest for my own personal memory the sitting on the couch and smiling. talking about how we feel and how we are both scared but we both want this... then we slep close. holding on to one another, comfotable with my head on his tattoo...