wendy decided she would go last night. it was great out and such a shame to waste it sitting in the house. so we went down to the water front that is lined with hot spots and one of them... "the hot club"

its not at all what it sounds like. its a nice little place with seats out on a dock in the water looking at my favorite smoke stacks... 3 of them all in a row, blinking blinking blinking red and reflected on the water. so instead of depraving wendy of a little peace before we go to steam alley i suggested we catch our first drink there. im sitting sipping my midori and shooting the shit.

then the shit hit me. matt, i believe i have mentioned him before (my first love) got out of a car in the spot of the lot i could see. i knew it was him just by his shoulders in the wife beater he was wearing.

i havent seen him in close to 3 years. we have talked on line a few times and we try to convince the other that we should call and hang out sometime... we never do, its not that easy. well, he showed up, with his 2 brothers who were great friends of mine whether they wanted to be or not cuz i was wiht matt for so long, i was family. well, they came in, one by one, dan (his hand in a cast due to the machete wack he took from sam, his older brother, it was an accident), then sam who had cut his hair and gained some weight but was friendly as we had never parted ways. then my friend and yours, jon ho (who is now into suspension by his back with meat hooks...anything to be the talk of the town) and then matt and her. he didnt raise his head, didnt look in our direction at all. i wasnt sure if i should be hurt. i think i would have done the same thing if the person who had hurt me most was in a safe place of mine.

i chuckled and lit another cigarette and talked to wendy (joe had seen old friends and took off for a while) and obasi (who is a friend from high school and works at the hot club) popped in and out. i was discussing the possibility that matt and i would have been commig up on 6 years had i not gone haywire and let the "what ifs" get thebest of me. but all i have to do is turn my mind to jayson and i realize that this all happens for a reason and that this is just another step.

i didnt know if i should expect to hear from him. but he did come over with sam and sat for a bit. longer than i thought he would. he didnt talk as much as i had hoped, but i was glad he came and his girl didnt make a scene. i didnt touch him, thou later he touched me, like he used to so long ago, and that may sound like a slight touch, maybe a shoulder rub, or a kiss on the forehead. nope. he kicked me in the ass. like he used to all the time. which to me says, i still love you kid. but i was sastified with that. to know what he still wants to kick me in the butt. it was more than i could have hoped for.

but today was better. well, i dunno if thats the way to say that. then it sounds like i had a good day. i had a shit assed time at work which consisted of the many ways i could snuff it. like "hey laura, do me a favor?" "yeah?"

"slit my throat" or

why cant i just fall off a bridge.

but than says its not healthy to say things like that. but it is healthy to say "i wish she would slit her throat" or "i wish she would fall off a bridge"

so, i stopped and just sucked it up and finished my shitty work day like i wont have to soon. im working extra hours this week if i havent mentioned it including i have to be at work at 6 tomorrow morning, till 4pm, and then i get 3 hours and i go back from 7-llpm. but anything to get me out of there sooner.

so, i got a phone call as i was supposed to be walking out at the end of my shift today. it was jayson saying he was a talent scout and he wanted me to pose naked for his magazine. then he invited me for pho and i got there as soon as i could, mega fuckheadcuntwhorebitch was late so i had to stay till she got there. i got to his house at almost 5 and he said we only have an hour, yoblanski is comming over at 6. so we booked it and ate and luckily yo was late.

so i got 2 of my 3. and the third is done but i dont get it...

i got my boy. i got my cat. and the people are out of his bed but i didnt get into it and i dont get to sleep there tonight. unless i get suprised.