so much has been happening or should i say falling down. including sean. i didnt seem to write about the great parts of us being together... mostly due to the crap ass diaryland server. but it wasnt like fairy tale we're going to get married... but there was you make me feel like i can do anything and you make me feel worth something. and now here i am, with a sour puss face, a birth control pill stuck in my throat, cuz nothing wants to go down due to the vomiting... i feel like a million bucks. and all i want to do is talk to him. not convince him of anything, not try to sway him or hurt him, just to talk to him, face to face. to be near him and feel that presence i know so well. i just want to not feel like a waste of time. a burden. i want to know that i will get over this and not let it ruin me. i have done the same thing to quite a few people, but i have never felt it come back at me. and there was my problem. we had both admited to doing this, to hurting other people before. and i guess... i dunno... i wish i did. its almost like he wanted to beat me to it. but i never thought of leaving him. i didnt want to. usually ill be with someone but someone else can turn my head. nope. didnt notice anyone else was even around. he was my focus. all i wanted was to please him and show him how good we were together. he was so good for me. he got me to want to quit smoking. no one else could do that. i wanted to do it so there wouldnt be any thing he hated about me. but i guess there was something. i just wish i knew it. i want so badly his smell in my nose, the feeling of his body pressed against mine as we fall asleep. i want to fall asleep hearing his voice and knowing hes there... and hell be there when i wake up. but he kicked me in the chest. maybe thats the problem with my sternum... it was preparing to be kicked into my chest.

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