so here i am again. a lonely night in front of the computer. i met someone really great today... but he lives 2 states away. so, heidi ditched me last night... ok, so, i fell asleep on her last friday night... but i called her all last night... i called her all day today... i even went so far as to drive by her house tonight and see if she was there... she was the first time, then i called, no answer, then i drove for a while, trying to erase some of these horrible feelings of hopelessness and i went back by, she was gone, then she drove by me a few streets away, with julie. never even called to say ill be busy, what are you doing... nothing. NOTHING! so fuck her. i dont care how bored i am... ill stay home just to make her bored. shes just like me, hates to be cooped up. when its me rescuing her its ok, but when i need help shes not there. whatever. i need to make new friends. i think i need to put up a personal add. i work during the day and everyone else has these floating schedules and so we have to find time to hang out. but when you find it, wouldnt you use it?ggggrrrrrrr...... what did i do to desirve this? i think im an ok girl. oh well, wanna see what i did earlier?
well, here it is... (i havent written in my traveling journal in a while)
1-4-03
a new year. thus far...full of boredom and cabin fever... i guess you could say im at the cable car. im in my car, in the lot of partridge, snow and hahn counselors at law. i have parked here... no i HAD parked here every night for so long. but i never hesitated to go in. i dunno if AND is in there...i couldnt see with all the people at the counter. the cafe was full and so here i sit instead. in my car. full of nostalgia. the smell of vanilla bringing back a lot of old feelings. making me kinda want to drive to boston. but why? when i get there we would both be happy. all smiles and such, but youd get the wrong idea and i would stick to no but i would second guess myself. but sitting in this car right now reminds me of you. and you... what am i supposed to feel? i am constantly missing somone. i feel more alone now than i have in a while. alone and useless. worthless and unwanted. my feet are wet from snow that has returned to water. i dont remember getting my feet wet thou...
im not quite sure what i am doing here. why now? AND isnt answering his phone. heidi wendy and joe are all at work... the 2 of you... so close to eachother but so far from me.
what else do i really have? i ahve my car. my freedom. to go where i want. where do i want to go thou? there is nothing for me. i know this now. i am all regret and worries. lies and waiting. pains in my stomach caused from unknowing. i should have worked. i tried. they sent me home too. 1 hour at work then matched talking to wendy outside.
what do i have to do? why am i so alone again? why am i sitting OUTSIDE the cable car? you could be in there. but what would that do? it'd be awkward. as USUAL. you sure keep awful busy. sorry i took up so much of your time.
i hope you had fun in maryland. i hope you slept with that girl. i hope she loves you the way you want. need. diserve. im sorry i dont.
i wish perri was home. even just to be used would be nice right now. cory is in cuba. i fucked up seeing him too. barnaby would get in trouble if i talked to him. diane is a fucking cunt whore. she needs to o.d. on coke and her sister needs to come running to me so i can blow her off the way she does to me and he needs to grow some fuckin balls and move on from die.
(that was a little rough but there is a story behind it)
but sure... here i am. handing down things that other people should do. what am i doing? sitting OUTSIDE cable car. whining to you. about my own mess. this is my fault...again.
i can see the providence river from here. the same place i went over and over
and now i look from afar. its to cold and pointless for me to visit it. why would i do that? BUT WHY AM I HERE? im such a loser.
i have a car but no where to go. no desire to drive around. its 7:33pm, saturday, the 4th day of 2003.. and i am in a parking lot alone feeling sorry for myself. i keep thinking the only thing for me to do is to go home and sit in front of the computer and wait... for what... i dunno... just wait... and get older... alone.
