so here i am, all updated on what other people have been doing but with no update for myself. i am not quite sure what to say. i am feeling a little inadequate and gross. uncomfortable in my own body. i dont want to be touched. i feel bad. i think i am already losing it again. and guess who it will directly affect this time... yup.AND. i think i am trash. i never can be satisfied. i wish i had my traveling journal with me but i am to frikkin lazy to go out to the car and get it. its only like 30 degrees out. so yeah, im not sure where this all goes from here... what the hell kind of turn my life is going to take next.i feel like life is a giant mother constantly licking her finger with coffee breath and smudging something new off the page of my face. the face of my page? the face of my life? there was really no good ending to such a good lead in. =( really thou. i want i want i want, i screw it up. but this isnt really by my own accord. this is merely a feeling that i am in the wrong place. i think i screwed it up. its my fault. i rushed and i ruined. the crush is the best part and i know that and i dunno what the hell i am doing. i think i know what i need but then i see something new and shiny with all the tags on it and i have to run over, win it, and rip all the tags off, and then as soon as i do that i want to put it back on the shelf. and when things like this happen they always try to talk you out of it... "this is different. isnt it? we can work thru this together, it doesnt have to be like before..." yes it does. i am a 5 year old girl and i want what i want and i will throw a hissy fit the size of africa til i get it.
my friend cory was here from chicago randomly for the week and i only got to see him for a very short time and it is all my stupid fault and he is leaving early tommorrow. =( see...i never do what i truly want. i get sucked into some routine (usually, because i have to have routine as much as i hate them) and then i dont do certain things, and i shrug it off at the time and then i regret and resent later. wow. back to bitching kriss...really appealing. lets try updating again shall we??
