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2002-10-27����4:10 a.m.
sleep marks in my face

so, i am sitting here, a little afraid to go to sleep. i hung out with AND today. we only have saturdays off together always, but he had to work this morning. we met at the creperie today and ate lunch. ran around in the freezing cold rain. we had to look for shoes for me for halloween...(i cant wait) we also got to go see a friend of ours...( a co-worker of his) michael, in his 2 hour one man show. it was called "lucifer tonite" it was incredible...he is sooo good. then we offered to take him out for dinner and he wanted to go where for dinner? THE CABLE CAR! i dunno, he works there, AND works there, and i am always there, but thats where the star wanted to go, so thats where we went. afterward, he wanted to go see the midnite show AND and i did not. we got in my car to leave and did what we do best, we fell asleep. yes people, manage to fall asleep where ever i am with this boy. i dunno how, i just am so comfortable that in my car in the parking lot of a law office (most convient to CC) on a cold bench, the ground of a graveyard. my back yard swing. his couch the only time i went to his house. anywhere and everywhere. so, we fell asleep around 12:30am...at 1:54am i wake up scared, angry, hurt, literally afraid for my own well being. i had the most vivd creeped out dream... im going to torture you with it... bear with me.

i fell asleep and started dreaming automatically i think...and i havent been able to remember my dreams lately which i can often do quite easily and to a tee. but, i finally rememberd this one...after a long time of not remembering any... so, i can only remember from here on, i think there was a bit more before this but... i was walking around a base ball field. resembling the ones you have for a high school, not a pro stadium...just grass, a crappy diamond and a chainlink fence. i am walking around the perimiter and so is this ogre looking child. he has no neck, almost looks like a hunchback. his arms couldnt touch his sides because they and his back were so bowed. his fingertips sorta dragged on the ground and in one hand he held a dog leash tight. on the leash, a dog with a bowed back also. looking sort of like a greyhound from far away but like a bloodhound close up. i talked to this child and i played with his very cute/odd puppy. his father, an average sized male, came over with the mother of the dog the boy had. we talked. it was weird talking to this midget ogre but he was a sweet happy little boy. then i went inside a near by building knowing andrew was in there. this was his "band space" thou he is not in a band. so i go inside and to the basement of the building which i apparently spend a lot of time in. i sit at a kitchen table in the middle of a room with rotting wood and leaky pipes. i am going thru my journal and a bunch of papers. then i have to pee really bad... i go looking for a bathroom. i find a toilet in the middle of a room. a door with no lock. i sit down to go to the bathroom and i hear someone, i look up and out of no where is a table i cant remember being there and a guy is sitting talking on his cell phone. i tell him "dont watch me pee!" and he giggles shyly and looks down at his lap. then another guy comes in the room and walks right up beside me and stands looking at me. i tell him to go away. he wont. so fine, i need toiled paper... nope, not toilet paper... reciepts. a toilet paper roll made up of reciepts. what the hell... so i finsh peeing, use the recipt paper, and return to my table. the same guy that watched me by my side peeing comes in the room. he goes, "oh, thats your stuff???look at this!" proud to show me he has defaced one of my favorite water color paintings i had done. i get pissed and start yelling at him. he starts forcing himself on me. somewhere in me i want to kiss him, he is holding me by the back of the head tight, pivioting my mouth to his. i enjoy this, spontanity. i want to kiss this forbidden person. but i know andrew is there. i still aknowledge in my dream he is my boy. he walks in the room as this is going on. he puts on his red scarf. he is looking at me. i am trying to get his attention. trying to get him to stop this guy and to show him we are not kissing and i am trying to get away. but he puts his bag over his shoulder. he walks to the table. on the opposite side of the guy, picks up all of my papers and such, puts them neatly in my bag and puts that one on to carry for me. somehow the guys lets go of me. i get away and we go to my car. we get in, warm it up and i put it in reverse. but then i realize i cant touch the petals. my seat has somehow raised itself and i cant reach the petals and my head is cocked to the side because i was to close to the celing. andrew is looking at me like im crazy. somehow i correct this and i try to drive again. my seat jerks me so i am facing out the passanger window. i have troube getting my feet to the brakes because my legs are crushed against the steering wheel. this continues. my car, jearking me all over, making it impossible for me to drive. at one point i was in such an awkward positin i had to press the brakes with my hands and have AND put the car in park. so we decided to ditch the car. we go inside what happens to be a stop and shop. we go in to get michael flowers and we find out its national cheese cake day. you celebrate cheese cake. so we find some but it is fashioned on top of a metal stick, so it looks like a flower. we pick out a piece and we go to go to the register. an old woman, 60-70 grabs me hard by the top and back of my left arm, spins me around and says "gimme that" and i say "excuse me?" and she repeats herself. i said whatever and i start to walk again, she is following me bitching and whining and i turn to andrew and he says, "she needs the adress that is on the sticker of that plastic" and said "i dont fucking care. shouldnt be so gad-dammed rude about it" and she grabs me again so i throw it in her face and tell her to fuck off i hope she fucking chokes. and thats all... i woke up so frustrated. sooooo angry. and with an imprint from andrew's sweater in my right cheek.

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