So here is that night i was talking about having as much time as i want to write 60,000,000 entries and not have to worry about the time... AND has to work at 7 am tomorrow and he wont be out till midnight (i feel bad but i am psychotic and this are already getting a little silly) we have spent to many sleepless nights and i think we realize this and we are being a little more sensible. grrrr.. what is my problem with relationships ... but, i have not only bee neglecting this journal but also my traveling one. but here we go kids. i hope i haven't lost to the only 3 people that check in every once in a while. i miss you and i promise to try to be better... (especially since thursday this computer will be set up in my room. a constant reminder that i am not alone.)9/30/02 (i started a new traveling journal. i exhausted and filled my other one...)
starting a new. in all aspects. trying new things...perfecting old.
starting a new volume in the story of my life. this will be a much different one. so many new feelings and ideas. ink on clean white paper. like blood on a fresh white towel. Staining it. altering it forever. sitting and staring at the black we call a river. talking to someone who is in my same place. literally, figuratively.
realizing that i am not alone in this insanity. and that it is warm there. holding ... just holding. wrapped in so many feelings.
a big change flubbed. by routine. that sameness that is my life. talking about moving but always remaining in the same place. i feel loved. cared for. SAFE. so safe and well. missed and anticipated. i would say for once, but that first time in a while. holding. just held. marinating in it. jarred and slightly ajar. opening up the way i have needed to. not only letting out but being a let out, for someone who so deserves it. pouring over memories. capturing in photographs. i want to show you everything.
"what are you thinking about?"
"i was thinking of all the times i saw you in passing. i remember comming out of work. it was late. so late ... around midnight. you were sitting waiting for a ride. i wanted to give you my scarf. you looked like you needed it. you didn't look like you wanted to be bothered..."
"i go into defensive mode when im alone"
"no, you just looked like you wanted to be alone. not angry, just didn't want to be bothered..."
i would have loved that scarf. who knows then. when exactly might that have been? at least 2 years ago now. so long ago. and here i am waiting. and i would give you my scarf... AND...
i would try to hold time. like strawberries in my hands. just holding and never bring myself to purposely let go.
NEVER wanting to again.
"three ways was the morning, three lovers in three ways, he knew when she landed, three days she'd stay...my head it landed, to the sound of cricket bows, i am a proud man anyway, covered now by three days
we saw, shadows of the morning light, shadows of the evening sun, till the shadows and the light were one"
i am holding...
out for you...
i think i may have been...
always...
