happy birthday to you, on this mile marker of one...i wish i could tell you.i planned on calling you yesterday but i guess i chickened out.but today came and im sure your out having fun... i hope at least. i tell myself "you have to call tommorrow asshole" just dial. 7 familiar numbers. some warm voice will answer. but i dunno if i can bring myself to do it. i also said i wouldnt commit anything to writing. to risky. to permanent that way. but i think of you often. i have more journal entries with your memory smeared on them. i wish i could tell you. i wish i could bring myself to and that i had the oppurtunity. i miss you. i knew i would. but it (your absence) in my life is hard to bear. i dont want it. i never did. i have wished to turn back the years. years now...scary to think. and i never thought that there would be a day without you. but years have passed. flown by more or less. but no one day without you in my head. i have turned things back in dreams.well, im not sure if i turned then back or just continued things. but we were together... still? again? and i wake up happy from those dreams. then i realize that i am not on charles st. that my old home no longer exists. our memories there have been moved. in boxes, crates, pictures, letters, drawings. they fluttered into the the open air when the roof was rippied off of my old room. i watched it come down. my wallpaper and window. my closet and floor. crash. into a pile of dust. and i thought about you. i thought about us. i remembered everything and pictured it thru my tears. i shut my eyes and remembered the first time you walked me home.the first time i tasted you. i remembered everything. i still do. i remember without trying. i can still remember your smell. your hair in the morning. how you tugged on your clothes. i write of you often. i think of you more. i hear of you less than both. i ask. i try to be descrete. but i cant help it. and no one will tell me anything. i miss you. i feel it more each day. i wait for you but i know that i cant. i shouldnt. i drive by your house hoping youll be outside. i see you in cassies eyes. i wonder where you could be. what i did. where are you going? i know these things are my fault. i am more sorry with each setting sun and more sorrowful with each one that rises. i am careful but it is to late. i have nothing to look forward to.

" oh i am what i am

i do what i want

but i cant hide

i wont go

i wont sleep

i cannot breathe

til your resting here with me"

i started writing to wish you a simple happy birthday. but it turned out to be much more... i want you to have this. i dunno ifyoull read it if i muster up the balls to send it to you.