so i tried to use this page lightly, trying not to use names, all to real situations, just keep it as a way of letting out my angst, my frustration, my happiness.. but i have come into talking about people, giving snippts of conversations, a name drops every now and then...but a person, very dear to me, wrote about me in their diary... i just came home from amusing coffee boy. we went to H.P Lovecrafts grave and drove to the 3 adresses we had for him and then got crepes. but i came home, expecting to see the same entries that i had last looked at, or something simple yet true and i guess i got what i was looking for....
w the sleuth (obsidian frog) wrote something very sweet. she wrote about a few pieces i had done for her. they took me a long time. i procrastinate on a lot of things. not on purpose. like sending bills... i try to wait as much as i can. i wait till the last minute to start my car before i go to work. but with painting, it has to be there...
sometimes it is. but its not always easy to make happen... i need the music, i need the clarity, i need the inspiration. i need the anticipation, i need the excitment of finishing something and being proud of it...
and i finished something for her recently... it took me a long time. longer than i expected. but i had tried 300,000,000 different things for it but i hated all of them. they were nice, good to look at but not for her. she never saw any of them. thats not how i work. but i would sit at cable car, and i would want to write so bad. so much. but i would convert that want of a let out into drawing. i had to force myself a lot. but that led to nothing for her either. a few nice pictures, some good ideas, but nothing i could give to her. and then it came to me. sitting on my floor. on a big orange pillow. with all paints of firey colors in front of me... staring...staring...staring...waiting for it to come to me... hoping i didnt have to wait another day. and it came. i was listning to cave in. one of the more recent inspirational bands in my life and my art... and it hit me in the forehead... and there it was. finished before i knew i had started. and i was so excited to give it to her. but our schedules werent matching up and i forgot it at home one day and then i told myself "put it in the friggin car moron...youll always have it with you" (i tell myself that about a lot of things which has led me to be the only person i know to have every jacket they own, at least 2 changes of clothes, a pillow, a blanket, lots of random thngs to write on, and the ocasional doggy bag of take out food...)
but i put it in my car and brought it in to work with me. she works close by, i figured id get to give it to her sometime... i gave it to joe... i figured he would look less suspicious holding something behind his back than i would. he always does sweet things for her. mine seem to come in short bursts..but they are always brewing...chewing at my brain, it just takes a little bit for them to worm their way out in acrylic form...
