im losing all these profound things that i have to say. i had so many broad minded things to say but i lost them all. so many crazy fun weird thoughts. i pondered them for a long time. picturing this air plane that i wanted to write about. i brought joe (the day before i got rearended) to the car plack in warwick. the airport is close and i was watching the airplanes take off. go for a long time, and then take the turns they needed to once they were far enough for clearance. and i was just sitting peacefully on my car waiting for him to come out and i was just thinking about my first flight. just the undulating feeling in my stomach as we rushed thru the celing of clouds. through and over. and thou i was in a tube, basically with forced recycled air, i got the feeling of the cold, clean clouds on my face. the feling of freedom. the feeling of leaving this place behind. knowing next time my feet touched the ground i would be in london. so far away from "home". the hurt there was here. the problems and the lies. i was going away and i didnt have to worry about anything. just as long as i knew my lines, entrances and exits, as long as i had all my costumes and props. those were my only thoughts. running over in my head all this new territory i was about to tread. to change in some way. all i had to think about was me. my life. doing what i loved. and as the days grew by all i would hear from other people in my cast was, i miss home. i miss my family. i want to sleep in my bed. and i laughed at them. and when they asked me if i missed it. i laughed harder and told them i wasnt going back with them...

my next big freedom was taking a (very long boring and exausted) 6 hour train ride thru english and scottish contryside to edinburgh, scotland. and when i got there, i forgot everything. i forgot where i was from. what my room looked like. what my house felt like to walk into. i forgot what it smelled like in the city. i forgot that i was a horrible person. i forgot that i was ever here. all i knew was what i wanted. i was who i wanted to be. i was what i showed. and then i was back. that flight. much less commited to memory than the trip there. i wanted nothing to do with this trip.

when i was there, i ran into some guy, about 5 years older than me. he had come over for the same trip, just some kid from america that went for 2 weeks to act. stayed in the same places i was, acted on the same stage as me, and he moved there! a few years later he was living there! just hanging out on the royal mile. just where i wanted to spend so many more of my days. i promise myself i will go back. i plan to live there one day but, to visit before then.