+++THERE IS NO FLOWER+++

you killed it. you made it change from a beautiful flowing little lilly into a beaten and torn corpse. it was those very words. cut and dry. black and white. ruthless and cruel. shattering yet another beautiful thought, a peaceful wake and made it a funeral of sceams and yawns. you made my skin crawl, jolt it from its very comfortable consiouness. into a whirling drownding slash at my life. IMAGINATION. its not fair, what you do to me...in the right places it would be considered cruel and unusual. you do it to me all the time. you do it to yourself. you and no one else. but you do it to me! its funnie when you think you know someone... and then... no. it's not funnie at all....

11/3/00 (for matt sciotti)

so that is one example of people shooting down the things that i need to believe...

that was written about an actual event.

we were on block island... there were like 9 or 10 of us. all just hanging out, enjoying the most beautiful pristine day... i swore there was a white lilly floating in the ocean. i was standing up to my knees in salt water, jumping, snapping, pawing to catch it... he came up and asked what i was doing. i told him there was a flower in the water and i wanted it. it was just lingering near us. in and out with the waves. i told him when it got near him to grab it for me. he said "your dillusional, there is no flower" and he took off running, down the beach twoard the rest of the group and left me there myself. chacing the flower... he left and i got it... snatched out of the water with the greatest of urgancy... as i stood there witht he five points in my hand i wondered without looking at it immediatly what i could do with it to keep it safe till i got it home. i imagined this delicate lilly preserved so well, as a reminder of the day.

i raised my hand and opened it slowly to behold what i had finally gotten from the teasing sea... its wasnt a lilly after all, those words...changed it... it wasnt a flower at all.

it was the rotting worn out carcass of a dead star fish. i flung it out and cused the words he said. his un willingness to help me catch what i so wanted... he did it...

well it happened to me the other night too...i havent taled to matt in.... comming up on 2 years... but someone else did it to me. i have been going thru this quarter life crisis.. or so it feels. and i havent wanted what i have gotten and when i get what i think i want i hate it... so, i was rally bad last week... really and i just wanted to curl up and sleep for months...

something occured to me on monday morning... it made me feel so much better. the most simple thing but it made me feel better...

i was getting ready for work at 7 am and i was going over things in my head. and i said reparation instead of preperation.. and i came to the small realization the reparation is the act of repairing...

i told someone who has been trying to help me, i told them when i saw them that morning and asked how i was, i could almost smile, i said, i came up with something that for some reason made me feel good, the root of reparation is repair.. so it is the act of reparing, they said it was good. a good start.. i dont care why it makes me feel better, it just did, and they might not understand but that doesnt matter, because i do.

well i told the person that is supposed to love me still, and i got laughed at...

"is that a word? i think you made that up. if you didnt, it cant mean the act of reparing... im online lemme look it up.... oh, here it is... REPARATION- THE ACT OF REPAIRING, RESTORATION TO A GOOD CONDITION, MAKING AMMENDS... oh, i guess your right.. THAT made you feel better??? why???"

screw you too.