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2002-08-12����8:01 p.m.
star gazing

this is my first time on public diary display. i dunno what compelled me to do this, i guess i am pretty open with sharing my thoughts, but that is usually at a coffee shop with a friend or two. maybe i think somewhere i will become an inspiration to someone... maybe i will. or maybe ill just end up some well kept diary that no one reads. there is a meteor shower tonight. i have gone to see it the last two nights but i seem to have ended up alone tonite. it happens a lot lately. but tonight is the peak of the showers and i dont want to miss a thing. i am half tempted to go alone just because i want to prove to myself that if being alone is what i wanted a few months ago, then i have to deal with the consequences i have created...or...lets see if she answers.... well, that made me hate her even more. all i want, one friend. i cant even have that anymore. looks like i am going to the beach by myself. i dunno how i feel right now. kind of detached. numb. i thought i was comming out of this but it finds me. no matter how many comets i see. how much i run, or hide, or open my arms to embrace it, just to confuse it. but nothing works...the sky is clear too. now i cant even say "oh well, i wouldnt have been able to see it anyway." cuz i can. but i need to get out of the city. why me. what have i ever done to upset the world. i was just writing yesterday about how i thought i had lost my angsty writing, like i wasnt going to let things bother me anymore, that i seemed to be moving up from the whole "i hate the world" out look on life, i guess i still have lost the hate for the world. it just hates me now. but i know in a week, when her life changes again, BIG, she is going to want to crawl back to me, and i am too caring, i know i will give in to her. i know i will sit and listen. i know when she calls for coffee i will be right there. but i wish i was stronger. how confusing. frustrating mostly. i guess i am just tired of being as alone as i wanted. i am a walking oxymoron. and no one is here. no one take me back. no one brings me to my safe place. no one keeps my secrets anymore. apparently not even me. i am writing to any one willing to read. but for now, i think i am going to see some shooting stars. i may be alone. but i think i will have a better time than with bad company. no, im sure i will. go look up if you get the chance ... even if your looking alone.

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